The other day I mentioned Max and I got married at age 20.
And then I got a bunch of curious e-mails.
I understand the curiosity. 20 is, after all, quite young for a non-religious, non-shotgun wedding (well, marriage; there was no actual ceremony) in the U.S.
A lot of people pass silent (and, less frequently, not-so-silent) judgment on our young marriage, but unless you have been in one, you really can't know what it's like.
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| Oh, the enigma. ;-) That beautiful happy couple next to us is a "normal aged" couple consisting of my late cousin Eric and his gorgeous fiance |
Not all young married couples are the same. We often get lumped together but there are many 'types' of young marrieds: couples who marry their high school sweethearts; couples who marry young for religious reasons; couples who marry to have a baby at their personal ideal time; couples who marry because one or both spouses are going to deploy/be stationed overseas; couples who marry to avoid deportment; shotgun weddings; young people who marry because it feels right - and there are many, many, many more.
None of these reasons sound much different from the reasons that older couples get married, and yet there is a lot of controversy surrounding young marriage.
Part of the reason may be the formative years' occurrence in the late teens and early twenties. I personally remember being told that an individual's personality is not completely solidified until the age of 22 or 23, and I can certainly vouch for this.
I am a completely different person today than I was when I met Max. If I met myself on the street, I don't think I'd recognize me. Max has also undergone a revolution and if New Sable met Old Max - or vice versa - who knows how the story would have ended?
Luckily, though, we are evolving together.
I don't know about you, but I have been led to believe that the especially turbulent period of change between age 20 and 22-23 is a major cause of divorce in young marriage, and break-up in unwed couples. That very well may be true, but in the case of my marriage, sharing this time together has allowed us to grow and change together.
I have adopted some of Max's best attributes, and have been partially shaped by his personality, and he has attained some of my best traits and aspects of my personality. We both still retain our independence as well as some bad habits and quirks, of course; we're only human, but we have doubtlessly grown closer and reinforced our bond throughout these formative years.
So, my advice for anyone getting married young?
1. Expect to make mistakes. Many, many mistakes.
2. Expect your new spouse to make many, many mistakes too. Mistakes you never thought they would make.
3. Forgive. There's no sense carrying around the burden of anger, of dissatisfaction, of frustration. Communicate ... and forgive.
You will figure out the rest. Trust me.
Have you ever completed a life milestone earlier or later than the social norm?
I got married "late" for my family--I was 33, but I'd been dating my husband since I was 20 and he was 18. People couldn't believe we dated for so long and would always comment on it "why aren't you married yet?" Now that we are married people ask when we are having kids. In a nutshell, I've finally learned that people are a bunch of nosy jerks.
ReplyDeleteThey definitely are. We are just starting to get the "When are you having kids?" (Answer: NEVAAARRRRR) Seriously I'm going to discuss that super personal decision with you, person I have known for 9 minutes??!
DeleteI did pretty much everything later than the social norm. The fact that I, just now, have my first boyfriend and am learning what it's like to be in a real relationship at 25 seems incomprehensible to most people who don't know what I've been through and why it took me so long to get to this point.
ReplyDeleteThough, my boyfriend and I mostly deal with very vocal judgments about the fact that we're SO different. Our mutual acquaintances were all highly surprised but some even tried to talk me out of being with him because it weirded them out.
Really, I'm finding out that your advice holds true for any couple. I was convinced that he was going to kick me to the curb after a night when I got really upset and took it out on him. Instead, he did everything he could do to take care of me and make me feel better without being at all defensive.
Oh people never know when to keep their silly opinions to themselves do they?? I've seen a lot of couples who are very different get and stay married.
DeleteYour BF sounds really sweet!! <3
I guess my family does a lot of things against the social norm. My sister was married and had their first baby by the time she was 19. Her husband is 7 years older than her. They have been married for 13 years and have two beautiful kids. She is now 32, and has just completed her elementary education degree. Like you, my sister has "grown up" a lot over the course of their marriage.
ReplyDeleteI also have gone against social norms and married a man quite a bit older than me.
The bottom line? You need to do what makes you happy, and the hell with anyone else.
I absolutely agree!! Different people are happy doing things in diffeent orders or different ways!
DeleteI married my boyfriend I met at 19. When I was 30! Lol I get the growing together thing. If I met him now, we would never have married. But I love our evolution, the good and the bad. Congrats on making 3 years. Apparrently our marriages are in the clear, the first 3 years are the hardest.
ReplyDeleteI believe it!!! And then we are supposed to have another obstacle at year 7 right? Although I mean... you see people having issues t all different years and stages of love relationships so every day is an adventure! :) So nice to meet someone else who married the person they met in their late teens!!
DeleteMost of my family has married young; my parents were 18, and both of my sisters were 21. I'm the old maid, still unmarried at 26 haha. But every relationship is different and even if you marry at an older age, I don't think anyone stops growing or changing within relationships. I think love changes you, no matter when love comes into your life.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE what you said here. I think you grow and change throughout your life - that's why we see people going back to school for completely different careers two or three times, just as one example. Life is long. :)
DeleteHonestly, I don't have an issue with anyone getting married earlier than the social norm - I think within reason if you love someone enough then age is just a number, even if people do change. To my mind that's preferable to being like me (i.e a VERY late bloomer in all areas if you're being kind and seriously backward if you're not...a therapist once called me 'emotionally and sexually retarded (in the literal sense of the word, not the horrible slang/insult).' Yeah, so that was incredibly hurtful. I know how weird it is to be 27 and never have had any kind of romantic relationship but really I'll probably be in the same situation at 47. The hardest thing is that as time goes on being alone becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because you're too scared to even approach anyone (even outside of the 'I'm fat/ugly/not worth loving' issues) on the grounds that there's just no way of explaining how long you've been alone for without being hideously embarrassed and/or sending that person running for the hills :(
ReplyDeletexxx
There should be a ')' after the word 'not' - sorry for the typo!
DeleteOh my gosh. Yes, it absolutely does become a self-fulfilling prophecy - but I don't think you should be worried about explaining your time alone. You have accomplished a LOT in the past few years, educationally especially. You haven't wasted your time on any frogs yet, that's all.
DeleteThat advice applies no matter what the age!! LOL. Oh man, my first year of marriage was a shocker. I was 28 but had no idea how to be married (still learning). Success of a marriage is all about the two people, not the age. You are so in tune with things so far beyond your "age" and so much more evolved than most of humanity. I'm not surprised you and Max are able to grow together. Kudos to you both! Your families should be extremely proud of you.
ReplyDeleteAw - thank you so much Cort =)
DeleteI absolutely agree with you - I know of couples who married in their late teens, twenties, thirties, and even forties, and some of those couples are still married....and some are separated. I don't think age matters at all; I think it's all individual maturity and the people who make up the couple.
<3
I just found your blog today and wanted to say that I love this post. My husband and I have dated since I was 15 and he was 16. We are now 26 & 27 and have been married since 2009. It's definitely about growing together and I'll never forget what our "pre-marriage" counselor said: the 3 most important things that you need to work on and agree on in a marriage are: 1) sex 2) money 3) kids. It's so true!
ReplyDeleteCourtney! I'm so glad you found me =) I definitely think that sex, money and kids are something you have to agree on - and in a lot of cases, reassess as time goes on! =)
DeleteI got married the first time at 17. I had three kids by the time I was 22. Unfortunately my husband died when I was 24. If I hadn't done those things at a young age I may have missed out on them all. My children are all successful people and my daughter married at 27, my sons are still single at 36 & 38. I remarried again much later and had my last son at 40. I don't think age matters at all, its just your own ability to be understanding and loving to another person. If you both have that you can work your way through any obstacles.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh - I am so sorry for your loss of your first husband. I'm glad you got married & had kids when you did!! I absolutely think the success of a marriage has far more to do with each spouse's ability to understand and love another person - and work through obstacles - than age!
DeleteYou know I can relate to this post!! I met Rob when I was 19 (almost 20! haha) and he was 27. We got married when I was 21. It felt so right, but dealing with the questions has been such a headache!! Especially over the past few weeks as I've been in and out of hospital, all the doctors and nurses kept assuming Rob is my boyfriend and wouldn't let him in to see me or tell him anything that was going on.
ReplyDeleteOur marriage has not been easy, especially recently, but I don't think any marriage is. I have changed so much over the past five years but he still loves me just as much. When you find your rock you don't want to let go <3
PS. This comment brought me out of lurkdom. I've been reading blogs here and there over the past few weeks but haven't commented on any. I thought your last post was especially interesting but I didn't want to comment for fear of getting in trouble, lol ;)
I was thinking of you when I was writing this post & knowing you would be able to relate - IF you would have time to read it of course! I cannot believe that about the doctors and nurses. You'd think they could make a note in your chart!! Sheesh! I absolutely agree that when you find your rock you just hang onto it through everything =)
DeleteIf you ever need to talk to anyone about marriage & especially the challenges of marriage at a young age, please please please e-mail me! You know I'm here for you! <3
I unfortunately am the opposite side of this.. we got married young and rather than growing together, we had completely different futures planned out.
ReplyDeleteYou guys seem happy, and since Max has been by your side through all you have been through lately, it sounds like it is just meant to be! :)
Awww sorry to hear that =( Kudos to you for figuring out that you were meant to walk different paths!!
DeleteMarriage is hard at any age! I think people judge because they are insecure and it makes them feel better about their decisions. I got married at 25 and sometimes I wish I had been even older or thought it through more or been not married together for longer. But you work with what youve got. My marriage was a "shot gun" wedding but obviously we loved each other and trusted each other. However, a lot or hurtful and judgmental comments were thrown my way particularly from cousins in laws and close friends of in laws who didn't know me. I try to just ignore and remember not to spend time with those negative people!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh absolutely. Plus I do think we are kind of trained to pass judgement on people who deviate from the social norms - it's a way of making sure everyone conforms to societal mores, ya know?
DeleteIn-laws seem to either be your biggest ally or your most bitter enemy. I have been exceptionally lucky!!!
I bought my first home at 24 (alone) which I guess is pretty young, especially in central London.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm the opposite of you - I'm starting most things LATE! I'm 36 and only just starting to think about living with a partner. I don't know anyone else my age who has never cohabited. It's probably going to be fairly hard, but on the other hand we're very well-rounded people (he's 41) and we know both what we like and how to compromise.
Knowing how to compromise is the biggie!! I think our biggest obstacle was how to divvy up the chores and share the bed! HAHA!
DeleteI don't think there's anything wrong with that at all! I'd love to marry my boyfriend of 3 and a half years (more now!) now but we will wait. We will get engaged and then eventually married. We want to wait to live together on our own- own/rent a place and finish our studies/apprenticeships.
ReplyDeleteThose people being negative and rude- they're jealous and lonely.
awww =) It is definitely tough to pay rent, work, finish school AND spend quality time building and improving our relationship.
DeleteSo nice to hear from you Bek! <3
I also got married when I was just 20! That was 21 very happy years ago! We met when I was 17 and my hubby was 18 and it is fantastic growing older together. It might sound young, but it was the best decision we ever made!
ReplyDeleteI got married when I was 21 :) we met about a year and a half before that...we became best friends and it happened! Been married for about 8 months now and it has been no piece of cake - that's for sure! But I love him!
ReplyDeleteI found this post very refreshing. My parents married and had children very young (married at 18, children at 20) and I'm glad they did. I'm glad I was able to experience my parents in their 20s, and that because of their youth, I will hopefully continue to have them alive with me throughout much of my life. Being a child of young parents certainly allowed me to have all my grandparents still living into my 30s, and I am ever grateful for it.
ReplyDeleteMy parents' marriage, unfortunately, wasn't made to last and they divorced when I was a teen. I often heard them cite their youth as a likely reason their marriage was turbulent, or why financial stability was elusive for them, or both. I took this message to heart and avoided marriage like the plague throughout my 20s.
Now, in my early 30s, after much dating experience, observation of the relationships of my friends and family, and personal growth, I realize that was all an oversimplification. Marriages are not doomed just because the participants are young, no more than they are doomed if the participants are older divorcees. The reasons that my parents' marriage didn't grow positively are tied more closely to their individual approaches to and insecurities about marriage, shaped by their own family experiences growing up. In the same way, my experience as a child of a young divorced couple created my aversion to marriage when I was young. But my experience does not dictate what is universally true.
We must all make choices when we are ready to make them based on our own life trajectory. I needed the past decade of adulthood, not only to grow individually and professionally, but also to learn about relationships and put them into a perspective that isn't completely burdened by assumptions based on my parents' divorce. If I find a partner to create a family with in the next decade of adulthood, I now understand that my attitude toward sharing my life and choices, compromise and forgiveness, shared priorities and mutual respect will be far more relevant than either of our ages.
Your voice on choosing to have a partner through life's changes at any age was a welcome dose of clarity in a culture full of assumptions. Thank you.