As you all know, I am having a really hard time with the post-competition period.
My appetite is ridiculous: I accidentally polished off a two-pound bag of raw carrots while stressing out and watching election coverage. Thank God that was over nice and early. I don't think my nerves could have taken another recount. (Also, pro tip: if you're going to eat two pounds of food, don't eat two pounds of carrots. Or any other kind of lame vegetable. I mean, seriously. Who even does that?)
Anyway, I am slowly edging out of my funk - mentally, at least. (Still not checking my e-mail though. Don't even bother. Just leave a comment here; they come to my phone because I am fancy!) And as I slowly inch out of this, I'm seeing where I made mistakes. Here is a small sample of these mistakes:
1. I thought I'd never get sick of the gym. I loved it. It was so empowering! So much fun! Such a great use of "me" time! I always wanted to do more - reps, weight, sets, whatever. I always wanted to be better. Now I have to peel myself off the couch to even go, and I literally stand there and (mentally, not verbally) talk myself into every set and effort. I know I'll get back to loving it, but this in-between time seriously sucks.
2. I thought I'd never have the urge to overeat. I've read about dozens of competitors who overeat their way to their 'start' weight quickly in the off-season. I always thought I'd never do that - I worked so hard to get lean. But that desire is so much more powerful than you ever realize. (See: carrots, above.) I have been careful to include plenty of indulgences in my diet.
3. Skinniness is not all it's cracked up to be. At my leanest - a rather unhealthily low body fat and weight - I still thought I looked fat, puffy, or chubby most of the time. Super-leanness also did not make me happier, more confident, or more outgoing. It just made me smaller.
4. Overeating isn't all it's cracked up to be, either. I end up feeling out of control, bloated, and frustrated with myself.
I cannot say it enough: I sincerely, truly appreciate every word of support, every comment, every e-mail. I read each and every one & they all stick with me.
I was so happy when your blog update popped up on my blog feed.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you and hoping that you are doing better.
I understand - 100% in every aspect of your struggle. i still struggle with body issues and body image, eating, etc... but it's a learning process and as time goes on, i learn more about myself and how to make myself better.
You will do this as well... If you ever decide to compete again i'm sure you will have the tools to get yourself through these struggles.
xoxo Thinking of you
Lovely to see a post from you, even though things aren't completely going to plan. I think you're being overly self-critical because the issues you've mentioned are things that I think a lot of people struggle with, let alone those who have been through the rigours of competition training.
ReplyDeleteI don't know...personally I'd rather eat 2lbs of carrots or vegetables than the awful binge food I usually end up going for. But the impulse to overeat is horrible no matter what the actual food choice, and I empathise so much with that. I've eaten entire punnets of tomatoes before in an effort to stop myself bingeing...also entire tins of pumpkin. Please do hang in there - I'm wishing you all the best.
xxx
Oh my gosh you poor thing. Are you visiting a therapist or seeing a doctor? I hope you make a speedy recovery.
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the best xoxo
I've been thinking about you. Feel better, Sable.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you are still struggling. Post competition blues are usual. I'm a runner and every time I do an event, afterwards I feeel like "I'm done, I've done it, why would I run now". It takes a little while to feel the love again. While discipline is important, it is more important to be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteI could eat a 2lb bag of carrots, no problemo. Are you orange now??? Who needs spray tans when you have carrots? ;)
ReplyDeleteThe eating thing I TOTALLY get. I don't necessarily want to overeat, but I want to only eat carbs. I could eat a loaf of bread right now. Especially if it is caked with PB. Ok, I guess that is wanting to overeat... LOL!
Sable, I was "trying" to recover from an unhealthily low body weight and body fat from May to September. All that time I made little to no progress and I was miserable, depressed, and having panic attacks. Then in mid-September a conversation with my husband made me promise to stop trying and start doing. Let me tell you - just starting to eat normal numbers (I'm not focusing on the scale, just hitting a reasonable number of calories every day) made the crazy feelings disappear within...less than two weeks? Basically, the misery that plagued me and made me question my sanity all summer was resolved after 2 weeks of eating enough.
ReplyDeleteI'm just saying, giving yourself a hardline calorie goal and meeting it might be the way to escape your own head. Because once I was properly nourished again, everything stopped seeming so overwhelming, impossible, and depressing.
In other words, I got back to living.
-Jess
=(
ReplyDeleteI wish this were easier for you.
First of all, I love the name of your blog. Like, LOVE it. Secondly, I am glad that I started reading your blog to this post. Whenever I am down I am convinced that eating/not eating will make me happier. If I eat, I'll feel good. If I don't eat, I'll lose weight and then feel good. Neither of which are true. I am happy to read that you recognize this too. Makes me feel like I am not alone! So, I figured I'd let you know YOU are not alone. Just know you have and will continue to do amazing things. Much love and support from the blogging world.
ReplyDelete-Madi
I'm so sorry to hear you've been struggling so much Sable. I've missed you posts, but I'm glad you're taking time for YOU. I know you can make it throught his rough patch, you're strong, determined, and there's not doubt in my mind that you will persevere. I'm praying for you my friend <3
ReplyDelete"Courage is grace under pressure." --Ernest Hemingway.
ReplyDeleteSable, I wish this for you . . . and peace.
It is SO hard coming down off a big event. I am doing the same with my final big race of the season a few weeks ago. I've been stressed out too and I think the biggest correlate for weight for me is stress. I am up 5 lbs from race weight.
ReplyDeleteI have found myself more excited for the gym lately now that I can push harder. I am less excited for swim, bike and run. Maybe a little change of focus for you would help too.
This is all part of the process. Things will sort themselves out even if right now you feel like you are just going through the motions.
Glad to hear from you here, even though you are still struggling. You're not alone!
ReplyDeleteSable,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are suffering. It sounds like you're really in the darkness right now. I can relate because I'm going though it myself. I never feel skinny enough and always want to restrict myself more and more. And when I don't see the scale budge--I get frustrated and depressed. I think the important thing is that you understand and recognize your struggles and maybe start finding yourself again. Maybe seek out the things that once gave you happiness and satisfaction and go for them. If you ever want to talk I'm here.
Yaara
Thanks for updating us all, Sable. I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling. We are all here for you <3
ReplyDeleteXXXOOO I've been there hun! Maybe not the same as you- but I know what it's like to hate yourself, to see no point to life, to be stuck between overeating and not eating. You know what I can tell you- deciding to get over this is the best thing I've ever done. I no longer binge or under eat, I am happy just because!, it's not all about how I look, I'm starting to love myself. Yes, I myself still have a long way to go- but it's worth it. Every little struggle, tear, whinge and whatever! It's all worth it. I am always here, you know this. Thinking of you, stay strong beautiful!
ReplyDeleteOhhh :( I wish I could say something magical and advicey, it is a tough place to be! The fact you realize that makes you much closer to getting out. I love your blog though and missed your great attitude to life. xxxx
ReplyDeleteHi Sable, I admire your honesty and your willingness to examine truthfully your life to see where you might have slipped up - honesty leads us to insight. I don't feel that you have made 'mistakes' so much as you have been blindsided by your ED - the things you listed are things that people without ED's can take for granted.
ReplyDeleteAlso there's such a mixture of emotions in competing = it sounds like post competing down in the dumps and maybe depression? are exacerbating things for you.
You worked so hard to get where you got to, and that's admirable. Please never give up - remember the road back from ED will be ups and downs, but in the end, as long as overall you keep going in the right direction you will get there. Hold your head high - you have a great attitude and inspire many, including myself xx
I am no fitness expert or psychologist guru but I think what you are experiencing is so much deeper than post competition and diet fluctuation.
ReplyDeleteIt is very "NORMAL" to post competition and self imposed restriction to just say f*^#* it and lose that desire to workout out or restrict your diet one more second. It's a burnout phase that has no boundaries to how long it lasts. I think it correlates to how long you may have kept up this lifestyle.After working out and running,riding and training like a maniac for over a decade I hit "the WALL". I no longer have the enthusiasm or motivation to get my ass to the gym on a regular basis. Yet I still beat myself up every day for being a slacker. And wonder why my once admired body is loose skin and weak muscles.
YOU WILL get through this period. You have your youth,intelligence ,natural beauty and people who love and support you. You have to be happy with who you are and the direction you're going so everything else can fall into place.
Get involved in OTHER activities(ie.. another sport, volunteer for something your passionate about) so the focus is no longer food and deprivation..
You are an incredibly strong person and this to shall pass!
JUST DO IT!!!!!
Love you,
Max's Mom
I'm thinking of you friend, as you are one of the strongest people I know. I know you'll make it out of this rut and get back to where you want to be. You are seriously an inspiration and take care. :)
ReplyDeleteYou've been in my thoughts - I'm here if you need me.
ReplyDeleteT.
Sending you prayers and hugs Sable. I may not have struggled with an ED, but I have struggled with depression and so I think I can understand partially where you're coming from. It's a tough mental battle for sure, but you're identifying your thoughts, good and bad, which is half the battle. As someone else has suggested, have you thought about trying something different for exercise? Swimming perhaps or taking a yoga or step class? But most of all, be gentle and patient with yourself. You're in a hard place right now, but you'll come through stronger in the end.
ReplyDeleteAw Sable, so glad you're here and checking in! If you aren't feeling the gym right now, I say take a break and switch it up! Go for long walks or jogs, take some yoga classes, etc. And you're right, skinniness is not that great at all--when I get too skinny I don't think I look good either, plus I get tired, exhausted and can't think straight. And daaang, can I just be impressed by your carrot-eating ability?
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about you and praying for you Sable! I was so happy to read a small update from you. I love how you are always honest! Keep on keeping on, you've got a whole lot of people in the blog-world pulling for you <3333
ReplyDeleteI haven't really commented before, but I wanted to add my voice to the chorus of verbal hugs. I don't envy your struggle and I wish I could do something to make it easier.
ReplyDeleteHave been wondering how you're doing, Sable. Glad you let us know. I too struggle with "What's the point?" because of my age. Why bother? Why not just relax? The reason is that it (working out) always makes me feel better, gives me more energy. It makes me happier. I remember when it made you happier, too, and I wish that for you again soon. Lots of love, Beth.
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