It's been three weeks since I competed in the St. Pete Muscle Classic. (Unbelievable, by the way! It feels like it's been about a day.)
In those three weeks, I've put on about three pounds. (I don't know what I weighed on the day of the show, so I'm using my weight from the week prior to the show.)
As I've added foods to my diet (oatmeal, I'm looking at YOU), my weight/bloat level has fluctuated quite a bit (up to 6lbs in the past week), which has caused either stress or relief, depending on the hour.
It's so bizarre: last year around this time I thought I looked okay - not great, not good, but okay - at 140lb, and now I (sometimes) think I look fat around 100lb.
I want to delete that last sentence because it is crazy. CRAZY. But I think it's more important to leave it, to demonstrate just how much body dysmorphia can skew your perception and self-image.
I know I need to gain weight and I know that in time I will get over my fear of fat - of climbing back up to 140lb, of having to lose all those pounds all over again. But I do also want to document the process.
It's crazy. Half the time I look at myself and think, "Ew! Bony! Too skinny! Gross!" and the other half I'm going, "I can't get any fatter than this."
Moral of the story? If you're crazy, make sure ya got your crazy in check (or at least make sure you're aware of your crazy) before you compete.