In those three weeks, I've put on about three pounds. (I don't know what I weighed on the day of the show, so I'm using my weight from the week prior to the show.)
As I've added foods to my diet (oatmeal, I'm looking at YOU), my weight/bloat level has fluctuated quite a bit (up to 6lbs in the past week), which has caused either stress or relief, depending on the hour.
It's so bizarre: last year around this time I thought I looked okay - not great, not good, but okay - at 140lb, and now I (sometimes) think I look fat around 100lb.
I want to delete that last sentence because it is crazy. CRAZY. But I think it's more important to leave it, to demonstrate just how much body dysmorphia can skew your perception and self-image.
I know I need to gain weight and I know that in time I will get over my fear of fat - of climbing back up to 140lb, of having to lose all those pounds all over again. But I do also want to document the process.
It's crazy. Half the time I look at myself and think, "Ew! Bony! Too skinny! Gross!" and the other half I'm going, "I can't get any fatter than this."
Moral of the story? If you're crazy, make sure ya got your crazy in check (or at least make sure you're aware of your crazy) before you compete.
How tall are you?
ReplyDeleteI am also struggling with needed weight gain but tapering up slowly. I SO get the alternative thoughts of "I'm so fat" and "Yikes. Skinny. Not healthy. Must fix."
Hang in there. You're eating more right? (Like, not just more carbs, but more calories?) I think our bodies get used to surviving on a number and it takes a little more than we'd think to really get back to a healthier weight. At least, that is my experience.
-Jess
Short. haha. Most doctors' offices measure me between 5'0 and 5'2, but my coworker just said I'm 5'3 so I'm going with that!
DeleteI am definitely eating more calories overall =) I added about 16% more calories the week after the show, and this week I'm adding even more =D
Haha - great advice about keeping crazy in check. I'm 4 weeks out and the crazy is starting to sneak in. How do friggin' eggs have SO much sodium???
ReplyDeleteYour coach has you watching sodium?! Yikes!! I've always been told that sodium is a very anabolic micronutrient - it brings/keeps water in the muscle!
DeleteI love how honest you are, Sable! And you have come so far from where you were! Look at some of the lady lifters out there like the Crossfit chicks; those girls weight 140+ and look smoking hot with their muscles! You can easily put on 20lbs and look amazing! You have all the know-how; I'm rooting you on to a healthy, non-competition weight! ;)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Jennifer! =)
DeleteSable,
ReplyDeleteI say this from a place of concern. Maybe you need to speak to a counselor or therapist. I know you are worried about going back to 140lbs overnight. The fear is very unrational You worked very hard to lean out but, I worry that you may be headed down a spiral. You say that you want to regain your strength but, you won't be able to do that if you are not fueling your body properly. Take good care of yourself. You deserve it.
well, sable deserves major props for writing so openly about the show prep/gain/loss process, and worded her fears perfectly--'make sure you've got your crazy in check/make sure you're aware of it.' if she didn't acknowledge this, we would all be saying exactly what you are! and therapy can be a great tool for anyone, healthy or not, but let's not discount her courage and honesty, something that is always present on this blog!
DeleteI appreciate the concern (both Dolly & Anon)! I am unable to afford therapy as it's not covered under my barebones heath insurance. I am eating as much as I'm supposed to - I am gaining weight - the mess is all just inside my head. I am hoping I can pull myself out of this without any professional assistance but if I need it, I'll get it, one way or another.
Deletei like the 140 sable. She is stunning. You are stunning with all the right curves. Don't let that crazy talk take over. much love friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Lindsay =)
DeleteTotally agree with Lindsay! You're stunning at 140 as well. And you should be in shampoo commercials- amazing hair!!!
Deletetotally *get*this post!
ReplyDeletehang in there with everything. recognizing your "crazy" is always a good thing...discerning your real inner voice from the demons is the harder battle. some days are easier,so hold tight to the good and push the negative out with positive!!!
get a strong network of support,and do what needs to be done to keep you healthy--both mentally and physically!
you got this!
Thank you so much Melissa! <3 I'm sure in a couple of months I'll look back and be like, "Geez Sable that was a liiiittle nutty." haha! I'm working on it. I think being aware is the biggest thing.
DeleteI used to check in on your blog as the 140lb Sable. I was busy for a couple of months and didn't check in until right before your competition. I was shocked. And not in a good way. There is healthy slim and obviously disordered thin. And you appeared the latter. In addition your comments/thinking/actions fell into the disordered category as well. Anyone with a history of eating disorder has no business tampering in the arena of bodybuilding competitions as they totally screw with women who don't even have eating disorder issues to begin with. It is VERY DANGEROUS territory for anyone with a E.D. history and I'm sorry to say that you are proof of this. You have gone down that path and guess what - you are in eating disorder/body dismorphia territory. This isn't opinion, this is fact which you have backed up with your comments. You need to get yourself to a therapist pronto. Put some weight back on in a healthy manner and keep up the fitness but perhaps to for strength competitions - not competitions based solely on appearance where one has to go through unhealthy means to achieve competition status. You are playing with fire Sable. And you are losing the battle. And furthermore, you know it.
ReplyDeleteI certainly don't disagree with you. Well - I will say that I don't think I have an eating disorder. I am eating enough to gain. It's my thoughts that are problematic, not my actions. If I had to diagnose myself, I'd call this body dysmorphic disorder.
DeleteI appreciate your concern.
I don't want to take part in downplaying the severity of the concerns of others, especially with a history of ED present, but I often use educational tools with people to help them in determining where they are. One thing to utilize is official diagnostic criteria. In using the DSM-IV-TR 300.7, that criteria for BDD is:
DeleteA. Preoccupation with an imagined defect in appearance. If a slight physical anomaly is present, the person’s concern is markedly excessive.
B. The preoccupation causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
C. The preoccupation is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., dissatisfaction with body shape and size in Anorexia Nervosa).
If you read further in the DSM-IV-TR, it describe examples, none of which Sable meets. As a result, thought processes could be case for alarm, but what is done with them is more the issue, clinically speaking. In looking at the fact that (a) you are open with it, (b) you are willing to take feedback, (c) admit that some of your thinking around your body is out of line, (d) you are tapering back up in calories and macros, and (e) you are being accountable about your actions, (f) you don't argue that you don't have an issue sometimes, (g) you don't appear to have any clinically significant impairment in functioning related to this, and (h) you are clinical in remission from your previous diagnosis, I would say you don't meet the criteria for BDD. Just sayin'...
Anyone who works in mental health knows that the DSM has extremely specific and high standards for labeling mental illness, particularly for eating and body related issues. This often results in people not receiving treatment that would help them until they are already presenting very severe issues.
DeleteWe often forget that health is a holistic concept and mental health is just as important as physical health. Just because someone does not meet DSM criteria does not mean there is not a problem. Often it is much better to seek early intervention.
That said everyone is different, with my own history of E.D I would never even consider doing what you are doing Sable because I know without a doubt that it would make me obsessive and my mental health is far too important to me. I choose to prioritise it over the size of my ass, which works for me but may not for everyone.
Thanks for being honest Sable, there is so much shame surrounding these issues which makes it even harder for people. For what it is worth I don't think an E.D ever disappears entirely, its either manageable or it isn't. Good luck to you in managing yours.
Glad you can be honest about your feelings- I think that is important to help you really. Well done for competing, but I suppose you know that in order to be healthy you need to be a bit heavier- I think showing that you are worried about it will help you in the end, as it is better to admit something than to try to hide it. But then do you think you will complete again, seeing as it has given you some less than healthy thoughts? I was surprised to read that comment, I mean I don't know you at all, only from what I have read on your blog, but it does seem that this journey has stirred up some thoughts from the past which may not be the healthiest. Maybe in a few years when you are more recovered? Take care anyway
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Maria.
DeleteHonestly, now that I've had some time to think & settle down, I don't know that I will compete again. It's such a fickle sport, you know? I may diet down for a photoshoot, but ONLY if I can pull my head out of my butt and get over this craziness by myself. I'm not risking it otherwise.
<3 I love that you are being so honest about all this. It's rare to see. Like some of the other commenters above, it does concern me that you think you are fat some days but I don't think you have spiralled back into an ED. Both myself and Rob (him moreso than me) suffer from body dysmorphia, so I know what you're going through. It's hard to know what's real and what's not sometimes. We are all behind you, and I love the 140lb Sable (and the 100lb Sable too!)!
ReplyDeleteOh, and one more thing. I think what you're going through is what all competitors go through. Of course you are going to worry about gaining weight when you worked your ass off (literally) to lose 40+lbs. It is a competitive thing, and not specific to EDs.
DeleteAww Tara! Thank you so much =) I do think that a lot of people go through this, and while it's unfortunate, it's kind of relieving to realize that I'm not the only one who has experienced this!
DeleteIt SOUNDS like you know it is crazy. Do you know it is? Sometimes I say the sound thing and then secretly do the unsound. But that is me.
ReplyDeleteI do. Most of the time. Sometimes I get caught up in it, but the majority of the time I can step back and be like, "Okay crazypants." haha.
DeleteSTAY HONEST with what you are thinking. Shedding light on your thought process is essential for any type of healthy recovery. And the truth is that those thoughts would be there - competition or not - on some level no matter what. In my own substance recovery, I don't think I'm crazy because I think of a drink sometimes or have euphoric recall when someone talks about getting high. It's a part of the disease process. Thinking it isn't the problem...what you do with it is. And being honest about it is the first step to being in recovery. At least that is my experience. An eating disorder specialist would likely do traditional CBT with you - the first step of which is to identify the irrational thinking and the second part of which would be to do various cognitive and behavioral exercises to combat that irrational thought. Please review the post above and tell me where you haven't done that. Competition or not - being healthy isn't about being perfect or not ever having thoughts/issues. Anyone who says they don't is in denial. And what I see above is not a reflection of a person in denial. It's a reflection of a person who is honest and forthright and attempting to name the beast. BIG HUGS lady!
ReplyDeleteYou are so, so, SO right. There's no such thing as perfect, nothing disordered. My initial feeling/thought was that recognizing these thoughts as 'bad' was/is a good sign. Some of the comments (and emails) I got made me question that. I really appreciate you posting the diagnostic criteria for BDD / an ED above - it's so reassuring to realize that I DON'T fit that.
DeleteThe truth is that our society is such that people have this black/white mentality about everything. It's creating a culture of superficiality, where people attribute normal thought processes to pathology as a means of denying their own concerns about their thoughts/feelings (which the hide from others out of fear of seeming sick/disordered/imperfect). As a result, when someone acts with transparency, it can be uncomfortable to others. If you weren't taking a step back, considering what others are sharing with you, and making a determination based on a true evaluation of where you are, then pathology would certainly be present. The fact that you are open to the feedback of others is sign that you are genuinely trying to be transparent and open about the process - again a sign of a recovery mentality. Part of the reason that ED's, like substance or other process addictions, are considered a disease is because the process of being in the disease changes the way your brain works. And although recovery can also retraing the way the brain works, there is a default mode that the brain falls back into, even years into recovery. As a result, your brain will always tell you untruths about your body, no matter how far out from your acting out you are. Being "in recovery" is about taking daily action to combat the disease (the part that lies to you) and one of the ways to stay in truth is to be honest about where your head lies to you. At the end of the day, only you can determine if the competition prep process is one that is dangerous to your ability to be firmly in recovery. Honestly, I wonder if reading the comments sections isn't more of a danger to your recovery than the competition prep process...which is the reason for my long posts. I do apologize for the length, and you know I normally would email as not to cause controversy for you, but I also hope that others who may be questioning themselves from reading the more...accusatory?...comments will read this and realize that being open and honest IS a healthy thing and a sign that you are in a recovery mindset and that the comments of others are many times a reflection more of where they are than where you are... But that is just my opinion, and also a reflection of where I am...lol.
Deletebe careful with your thoughts...
ReplyDeleteunforunatly this sport leads many people into eating disorders and we all know them...
What a mind game eh? As Sunshine mentions above, this sport can totally create eating disorders!!! I'm in my 40's and I thought I left any and all eating disorders far behind me, but even now, 5 weeks out from competition, I'm having weird behaviors around food.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your post show hang ups. I'm sure I'll get there too.
Oh man... props on you for being so bold and posting this and having to deal with all the comments! haha.
ReplyDeleteSable, I obviously can't tell you what to do or shouldn't be either...but I think you're definitely on the right track with things. Just keep doing what you know you need to and hopefully all will go smoothly. I think you're smart enough to recognize if things were going downhill and you needed help. So good luck and good job :)!
Thanks for putting out your honest feelings, Sable. xo
ReplyDeletei think people are reading WAY too far into your life .... yikes. Lets be real. LOTS of people have bad thoughts. But NOBODY puts them out in public. You just articulated what TONS of HEALTHY people DO struggle with. ESPECIALLY fitness competitors. You are just coming out of a show, and in the sport of bodybuilding, dieting for such a long time can take a huge toll on your emotions. Your body is in a state of confusion, what else is your mind supposed to do?! Keep voicing your HONEST thoughts, it will HELP you stay on track for getting back to a "comfortable/maintainable" point. I want to punch half the commenters in the throat right now. Keep it up and do what you love!!! Just like there are fat haters out there, there are plenty of FIT haters who get upset when others look amazing. If you want to eat chocolate cake, do it. But by all means, you can keep eating your broccoli and hitting the gym too!!! xoox
ReplyDeleteHi I just found your blog recently, and have read all your posts in the past few days in my spare time...
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so honest in your posts! Love that you're not afraid to put up raw & true, un-pose-y, no-superficial-lighting photos of yourself! But your food photos make me really hungry... Would love to see some creative cooking with quinoa!
I have an ongoing inner battle with food, I plan to cut then I binge somewhere in the early stages of my diet so I decided to switch to bulking instead, then feel fat so I plan to cut... and the cycle repeats itself over and over...
I really admire your honesty and I think that your ability to identify that your thoughts aren't rational is a huge sign of progress and health. This type of body change is scary for anyone, but even more so for someone with an ED past or body image issues (and who among us doesn't have body image issues??).
ReplyDeleteBut objectively, it's interesting to see how body image is all about perspective. I've had similar thoughts about comparing my current self to past selves. When I was restricting food and about 20 pounds lighter (and clinically underweight), I thought I looked fine and was scared of gaining anything. Now that I'm in a healthy place, I realize how crazy that was. So, it's great that you can look at it with a rational mind, even if not all of you is in that mindset.
At the end of the day, your internal voice will guide you back to the right place. Your body knows where it feels healthiest and happiest and if you stay in tune -- like it sounds like you are -- you will get back to a place of healthy maintenance.
Also, I think it's interesting how so little of our thoughts tend to match up with how we look. We can feel great at 140 or feel fat at 100 pounds -- it's all about the mind and the tricks it plays.
Sorry if this is long, but I commend you on your bravery for being honest and staying committed to your health.
Go ahead and get fatter Sable, and by fat, I don't actually mean fat, because gaining weight is what you need to do right now....girl, you got no booty in that picture! I thought you looked your best in the picture you have at the top of this blog, where we see your gorgeous muscular back! Body building is so hard on our psyches. It took me 4 months (and counting) to be okay with gaining weight, and looking "normal"...we can't be shredded forever. You looked gorgeous on that stage (and again, I say you should have gotten 1st!) but you look gorgeous in every picture I see of you at any weight you are, so stop with the self-loathing (oh yes, I know where you're coming from), and start to let go for a few weeks. Love, your "pretend" mother :)
ReplyDeleteObjectively, no-one could possibly look at your pictures and think you were fat. But when you gain weight, relative to size, no matter what your starting point yes, you will feel fat. Example: when I gained back to 100lbs I was still thin, but I felt huge (obviously I kept on going WAAAAYYY past that point!!!!) But when I was losing weight and got down to 100lbs? Oh my God, I felt elated, on top of the world, lighter than a feather. So what you are feeling is not reality: it is part of the need to psychologically adjust to a change in body shape, however small, when you are acutely aware of these changes, which might be imperceptible to others.
ReplyDeleteAwareness does not mean being 'okay' though - it is very common to say one thing, to appear rational, and to do completely another. I am not accusing you of this, but it is something that reading between the lines I think it might be helpful to be careful of.
*hugs*
xxx
I'm a little late to the game, but I just wanted to say that I appreciate this post, Sable! Someone mentioned that you were "playing with fire" and well, I have to agree there. BUT - you acknowledge that too and I hope you feel more comfortable gaining weight over the next few weeks/months.
ReplyDeleteI imagine it is a similar feeling that a LOT of women (and perhaps men, too!) go through when competing - which is why it isn't for everyone. And for the record, I would put myself in that category! I have a healthy relationship with food, but restricting/regaining would be too tough for me mentally. So I admire you and hope you're open - and I will be thinking of you and checking to make sure smart, beautiful, healthy Sable keeps writing this blog and not cray-cray 100 pound Sable. <3