It's probably not this:
The worst thing is that with BDD, even if you are at Max's level of fitness - which is to say, ripped - you can't see how great you look. Max realizes he looks a lot better than the average American, but he still doesn't think he looks good or even great and honestly I doubt he ever will.
I struggle with the same problem.
As you all know, I'm contest prepping and as part of that process I've dieted myself down to, well, the awkward stage between a size 0 and a size 2 - from a size 8 in January. (I'm 5'2 on a good day, for reference! Small bone structure! :))
People at the gym and even patients at work keep telling me I look great, so much thinner, "better" (which is kind of a questionable term, but a compliment is a compliment, right?), etc. I know that I must be much smaller - but when I look in the mirror, I always see the same thing: myself at my highest weight.
It's like living inside a carnival fun house where none of the mirrors work, and I think it's actually quite common.
I certainly think that part of this dysmorphia stems from the fact that as bodybuilders (or Oly lifters or powerlifters or runners or gym rats or cyclists or yogis) we spend a lot of time thinking about and looking at our bodies. I think part of it comes from all of the media messages we get all day; even if you don't read Cosmo or US Weekly, the bodies in Oxygen Magazine and Women's Health are unsustainable for any length of time - even for the models featured. And I think there are other factors: childhood experiences, personality traits, etc.
But I just want to be open about this experience, these feelings. When I realized (years ago) that Max, with his Greek-God-like body, had body image issues, it made me feel like so much less of a failure for having my own distorted body image. I realized it wasn't so uncommon or unusual or "wrong."
I hope that by addressing it, I can make someone else feel less alone in their own struggles.
What do you see when you look in the mirror? Have you ever suffered from body dysmorphia?
Such a great post! Dsymorphia is an interesting issue because a good portion of it stems from neurochemicals and neuronal pathways (bachelors in psych is showing ha). There have been several studies examining the relationship between those with eating disorders and dysmorhpia and how diet affects the relationship.
ReplyDeleteI think it's hard to see change in your own body, especially when you examine it frequently. I think progress pictures are really helpful as are measurements if you're not fixated on numbers.
TOTALLY interesting!! I would love to learn more about the biology behind disorders like this!
DeleteI have bdd after losing 101 lbs and am very fit. People compliment me often on my physique. After weight lifting 5 days a week and cycling marathons, I am at 11% bodyfat. abs are visible, when I pull up the loose skin. I hate the excess skin, although people say it's not bad.
DeleteThis hits home for me. I have often wondered if I truly suffer from this myself or am just overly critical. As a former dancer, I spent hours upon hours upon hours watching every single movement in the mirror trying to perfect all the way down to my finger tips. As a lifter, it's sort of the same. The only time I get away from that, from a mirror, is running. And I think I'm nuts when I look at myself in one mirror, see one thing, then go to another mirror, see another, then I have a third to sort of seal the deal.
ReplyDeleteI think there is DEFINITELY a difference..as Munchberry points out below, I think you cross the line into BDD when you become obsessive... Max definitely is. (I didn't want to go into explicit detail in the post, for obvious reasons.) I'm not quite to that point & hope I never will be!
DeleteYou know, I think you're absolutely right about people who are very fit being more likely to suffer from body dysmorphia, purely because they spend more time focusing on their body. I never even thought of that before!
ReplyDeleteAs you know, Rob has a pretty bad image of himself. He was overweight about five years ago, and he still sees himself in that way. He's nowhere near as ripped as Max (!) but he still doesn't seem himself properly. I'm getting much better, but I still have ups and downs.
It just kind of occured to me the other day when I noticed how many people on bodybuilding.com seem to have issues with this. I was like, that's odd, so many BBing enthusiasts are sooooo crazy about their bodies...
DeleteExcellent post - And I can relate very much as I struggle with this everyday, along with disordered eating.
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to try and face this issue head on! I know it's not healthy to judge ourselves, especially on a day to day basis!
It's really not!! I wish self-acceptance was something they could teach in school. ;-)
DeleteI think the media portrays an unrealistic image when it comes to "healthy" bodies. Just like you said, the models on the cover of these magazines can't even maintain the results! How is the average women supposed to while still being happy, energetic, and healthy? It's our job as fitness professionals to help with this way of thinking! I hope you start to see that you're an amazing looking women whose body is something to be celebrated-not a constant work in progress :)
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna go ahead and say that any woman with a visible ripped six-pack who is not naturally very lean (& those are FEW and FAR BETWEEN to say the least) is hungry 90% of the time...and they're struggling actively to stay at that BF% (ie doing lots and lots of cardio, being very restrictive with their eating, etc). Yet magazines act like it's just something you "work at" for a little while....
DeleteGreat post! I am so glad you brought this up because I do in fact suffer from BDD. As a teen, it's very common and I'm sure it's also very common in adults as well. I love to work out and eat healthy; I know that I have a healthy body. I do have abs but even when I look in the mirror I always scrutinize it and tell myself I don't look as good as I should and I could do better. I'm also one that cannot take a compliment because I always think that people are lying just to make me feel better. Just the other day as I was doing unassisted pull-ups, a random guy in the gym told me I did them well but I thought he was just saying that to be nice to the only girl in the weight room. I then proceeded to look in the mirror and tell myself that my pull-ups sucked!
ReplyDeleteI have made significant progress in my stopping of 'body checking' but every now and then it gets the best of me and I have to look in the mirror. I think the media has a lot to do with it and you are so right in saying that the models in magazine don't have that body year round, but since you're not seeing them when they're body isn't shredded, it's really hard to imagine! Thanks for bringing light to the topic! Awesome post :)
All else aside, let me tell you - a 15-year-old female grabbing a pull-up bar and pulling herself up however the heck she does it is AMAZING. AMAZING. I know it's hard to look at yourself objectively but believe me - you rock =)
DeleteDo you know that eating disorder, body builder type, is supposedly in the DSM now? I've read that in a bunch of places, and while I haven't been able to confirm it, it wouldn't surprise me. Body builders are, by the definition of their goals, concerned with aesthetics first. How can that NOT lead to BDD issues?
ReplyDeleteWhoa, really?? I will investigate this...
DeleteWow!!! I'm surprised - normally it takes the DSM foreverrrrrr to incorporate new diagnoses. Of course this one could've been pending since the 80s..
Deletethis is such an important thing to talk about b/c many people on the journey toward health (and better bodies) think that everything will be peaches once they reach their goals. that just leads to disappointment once they realize that they still might not feel comfortable in their bodies!
ReplyDeletekudos to you for bringing up this really sensitive topic!
Yep exactly!! I always thought once I was smaller, thinner, more ripped, more athletic-appearing, I'd feel better about myself. It's never happened.
Deleteyes, and it goes to show how our thoughts and our minds can be so toxic that we see something different than we are. But support and encouragement can pull us through! you look great Sable!
DeleteI've wondered if I will always struggle with BDD. It was very bad when I was a teenager but as I'm working on my weight loss I've hard a hard time seeing my body change in the mirror even when the scale and my looser clothes say I should notice the change. It's not a great feeling, but I try to just push it out of my mind. I am always brushing off compliments from everyone because it's hard to reconcile that they might be telling the truth when what I see and thus "know" is so different! But at least I realize that my view now is distorted unlike when I was a teenager so it doesn't really hurt me like it used to.
ReplyDeleteI have a tremendous amount of difficulty with this too. I read somewhere that it takes about a year at a new weight for your mind to catch up with your body...I wonder if mine has never stayed small enough for long enough for the change to sink in?
DeleteUgh, this does describe me quite a bit. I had made quite a bit of progress since we last talked, and I have even had a bunch of friends compliment me on that, but I still struggle with BDM. I would LOVE to look like Max, but ugh, I have such a long way to go, and even though I am making gains, I would be lying if I say that I don't feel a little discouraged at times (I don't like to admit that). I feel like I am making gains and am very, very strong for someone of my size, but I feel like when I see that or sometimes even others at my gym, it's not good enough. I even talked to my mom saying that I kind of hated my body, and while I am the type of guy to not readily admit that to anyone, even family, doing that felt so good.
ReplyDeleteBut I don't think BDM is something that is, by itself, exclusive in what we scrutinize about ourselves. Yes, I struggle with BDM, but I also struggled with that "not good enough" feeling in a lot of other things I do. Back when I played competitive soccer, I constantly struggled with wanting to get faster, have better endurance, shoot better. Even on days where I got a hat trick (I wasn't even a forward striker; I played midfield,) I wanted more, or kicked myself for missing difficult shots. When I was in college, I would get depressed when I didn't get a grade that I wanted, even if it was a tough exam and my score was much higher than the average.
So in that sense, I don't think those of us who suffer from BDM suffer from JUST that alone, but I think sometimes we struggle with that feeling in other aspects of our lives.
and I meant to write BDD. I don't know where the "M" came from, must have been half-asleep.
DeleteI DEFINITELY, definitely think you're right. Physique competitors and recreational bodybuilders tend to be 'type-A' perfectionists and I think that extends to all areas of our lives. For example, I know I do a good job at work and I know I make myself very useful there, but I always worry I could do more, better, faster. It's the same with school. I think it's definitely a personality thing, and not something that is exclusive to appearance!
DeleteOh yeah! Unfortunately, sustainable-speed large-scale weight loss has left me feeling like I look pretty much exactly like I always have. I can never seem to see the changes. I think that's why weight training has been so good for me; I can objectively observe my strength progress (i.e. what my body's capable of doing) instead staring at the mirror trying to figure out why nothing looks different!
ReplyDeleteI've read that it takes a year for your mind to catch up with your body following weight loss! BUT I definitely think lifting is good for that reason - it gives you something to appreciate your body for, ya know?
DeleteYes, yes and yes. This is a great post. I used to be a bit heavier due and then due to medical problems (not an eating disorder...my body wasn't absorbing food correctly..anyways), I lost a lot of weight...fast...I went from a size 10 to a size 0 in a couple of months. During that time it never really registered with me how much smaller I was.
ReplyDeleteIt's like your brain just remembers what your body has typically looked like! So weird. I hope that medical problem is all sorted out now? <3
DeleteI have days where I look in the mirror and see fat thighs. Logically I know I am thin, and I have a good body, but some days it's hard to see. It's frustrating to have a disconnect between logic and feelings.
ReplyDeleteAnd I bet when you tell people about that (if you even bother), they go, "WHAT, YOU???" as if you don't have the right to have insecurities/fat days because of how great you look. That's a subject for another post....
DeleteSuch a great topic to discuss. I think this is common among bodybuilders too. I mean, honestly, you can only spend so much time looking in a mirror until your brain starts playing tricks on you.
ReplyDeleteRight? The more you look, the more imperfections you can focus on. Not healthy.
DeleteYou and Max are such a match. I just love how you guys accept each other completely. If you ever were to do a relationship post, I think that would be the subject to go for.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, my relationship with the mirror is hot and cold. Sometimes I think I have the opposite of BDD where I think I look great but probably don't (as photos show) and then other times I think a guy is flirting with me only because I'm a challenge because I'm already taken. Ups and downs. I do agree with the above commenter that how we view ourselves isn't always exclusive to body flaws. I constantly get in my own way when it comes to recognizing accomplishments or feeling worthy of certain things. Great discussion here.
haha thank you Mel!!! =) We are a pretty good pair ;-) Someday I'm sure I'll do a relationship post - our (3rd!) marriage anniversary is coming up and I usually get sentimental around August ;-)
DeleteI definitely have had the opposite problem too - when I ballooned up to 163+lbs I didn't realize I had gained a POUND until a doc weighed me!
It is good to make the distinction between people seeing their imperfections in the mirror and earnestly wanting to "fix" them, but who can live life normally and a person who loses their self esteem and shuts themselves down over perceived imperfection. The difference between obsession and healthy is a fine line sometimes.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, I could easily see body builders being the most apt to having BDD. They are often (more often than a regular person) looking in the mirror (at the gym and at home), posing and keeping an eye for the slightest imperfection. It would be difficult not to slip into obsession.
Definitely. There are definitely degrees of body dysmorphia/obsession - I think it's normal to have occasional 'fat days' and some days during which you don't want to look in the mirror/are overly critical.
DeleteIt works the other way too. I can remember being at my highest weight thinking "Oh it's not that bad, I still look pretty good." It wasn't until someone took a picture of me that I could see myself objectively. Not in front of a mirror, but for how the world saw me. Sometimes I think that's why it's better to go off of pictures and measurements is a much better gauge of progress. But I agree, we are bombarded so much by what the media thinks that it's hard to know whats "normal"
ReplyDeleteYup yup yup. When I recovered from my ED, I went from 83 to 120 and just noticed that my clothes actually fit (I'd bought a ton of clothes when I hit 120 and didn't replace them as I dropped weight - I probably looked like a bag lady). From 120 to 163 I didn't honestly think I looked any different. SUre, none of my clothes fit, but somehow I ignored it... I honestly thought I still weighed and looked the same.
DeleteGreat post. It's hard to talk about these things sometimes without seeming conceited I find, like you're fishing for compliments. I think having to make sure technique is right for things like lifting makes you have to really look at yourself and if you're staring at yourself for an hour or more a day I can see how you could become a little obsessive! It's one of the things I've found hard about upping my strength training; that I have to look at myself in the mirror and sometimes I'm just like "ugh, that is some nasty sh!t" you know? Couple that with a slowing down of weightloss (from that initial burst when I first started) means that I can't see any changes..it's only when I see someone that I haven't seen for ages that I realise that even though I'm 'only' losing a kg a week and whatever in BF that's still a change! So, in a way, I definately feel that sometimes I have a bit of BD not helped by an anxiety condition!
ReplyDeleteI completely, totally get this! I tend to be anxious too. (You can probably see this in some of my posts. Frantically job searching in Florida before we'd even left Montana? ummmmmm...)
DeleteThere are lots of lifts that are moderately to extremely unflattering to watch yourself perform. Squats of any variation come to mind. O_O
Ummm yeah you be crazy! Job hunting sucks even when you're living in the same town, add to that a move and no wonder you were Squat(ing) Like a (crazy) Lady! Haha.
DeleteYeah, there really really are...*cringe* haha!
This is definitely one of my favourite posts of yours! So raw and honest! Thank you for being so truthful <3
ReplyDeleteI definitely have this problem from time to time. I used to live with it daily though
Love you Meg! <3 I think just like an ED, this is something that always remains a shadow in your mind, regardless of how healthy you get.
DeleteVery interesting post and as one of your twitter followers I have enjoyed looking at your training programme etc. I'm not sure of your age nor do I know your husband's age but what I can tell you is that you wouldn't be a bodybuilder if you didn't suffer from BD. I have trained, lived and worked with some of the world's top body builders and they are all obsessed with improvement and perfection. For some it suddenly grinds to a halt and for others (such as Rich Gaspari) it becomes commercially important to maintain a good physique!
ReplyDeleteI mentioned your ages because as you get older you tend to find new ways of training and eating as your focus changes more to health rather than how wonderful you look.
I am now in my late 40's and although I still want to have a lean, aesthetic look I am more concerned about keeping my blood pressure down!
So my advice would be to enjoy your training, enjoy your eating, enjoy your youthfulness and good looks and smile as often as you can.
The only gym goers that worry me are the ones with unbalanced, under-nourished physiques who spend every workout admiring themselves in the mirror!
Good luck and stay healthy,
Graeme
I'm not sure anyone knows how old we are! =) We're both 23. We did get married fairly young - we were 20 - partially because he was in the military. (If we hadn't done it then, though, I'm sure we would've gotten around to it by now anyway!)
DeleteI have always wondered about the BIG, big names who go on to found supplement companies, clothing lines, etc. It makes sense that disordered body image and eating probably becomes amplified at that point - it's not just your self-image/confidence riding on your appearance, it's your income. I don't think I could ever do that - so much pressure!!
Thank you so much for the wise words Graeme <3 I've been a follower of yours for a long time...and only just learned how to pronounce your name last week. ;-)
Great, great post Sable! THIS is why I always look forward to your new posts. As you know, I can relate, as I have suffered from body dysmorphia for most of my life. It's not as extreme now as it used to be, but even so, just last night I was out with some friends, and looking at pictures from the night I was surprised to note today how "small" I looked in the pictures, because when I had been looking in the mirror before going out, I definitely did not see that small person staring back at me. It's so interesting to me how mirror images can look SO different to yourself than a photo of yourself, when it's essentially the same thing?! Again, great post. I love that you are so open and relatable, and I hope that you are able to stay in a healthy place through this whole competition process!
ReplyDeleteAww Stephanie - thank you so much <3 (Sidebar: The next time I'm in Boston and you're not gallavanting around Europe, we NEED to meet up!)
DeletePictures help me too. I didn't realize how *big* I was in January 'til I saw the picture Meg (Sunshine n' Spice) posted of me; likewise, the only reason I know I'm getting smaller now is that I take weekly progress pictures.
I definitely plan on doing my best to keep my mental and physical health at its peak during this whole process. If at any point I feel like I'm getting obsessive, I'm going to:
1) go to a therapist, and
2) re-evaluate whether I should be competing.
I will NOT sacrifice my health for 5 minutes on stage.
=)
Obviously if you've dieted down to a size 0-2, you're going to be smaller. However, your muscles make you look "jacked" as I call it, and that's a good thing. Even my 12 year old daughter is now looking at a body like yours, with the muscle, and saying she likes that. I am so relieved. Being that she is a competitive dancer, I am terrified she will develop an eating disorder. I was thrilled when she said she wanted to start weight training with me!
ReplyDeleteJacked is definitely a good thing! Not the pre-workout supp....that stuff makes me sick O_O But looking jacked is awesome.
DeleteI'm so glad your daughter is staying healthy!! That would be my #1 concern if I had a girl. (Well, I think. I can't be sure!)
Great Post, my ex was exactly the same way.
ReplyDeleteBig guy, AMAZING body. Yet never felt big/good enough.
What i see when i look in the mirror? A girl that's way too small and working her ass off (or on, really) to get back her muscles!
This is an amazing post! and something I can relate to so much!!! As having had been a competitive athlete for many years, I dealt with this and still have times when i don't trust mirrors.... like at all. I think either my eyes are playing tricks on me, or I'm playing tricks on myself...or this is a good mirror, or that is a bad mirror.....etc. Right now I'm working on forgetting the mirrors, throwing out all of my too-small clothing, and just listening to my body- eating intuitively, meditating and checking if I'm staying in the present and being mindful (bout how im feeling- am I hungry? am I tired? am I upset?), and trying to love who I am naturally. I know I will never workout 9 hrs a day ever again, and I'm glad. It's such a hard thing to be comfortable in one's own skin, but it is possible if we work on it and don't give up!
ReplyDeletehugs and happy week!
also, thanks for the comment about introversion :) I've found ways to be more extroverted, but I'm definitely drained within a few hours if I don't have anywhere to retreat to!
best,
gc
Great post and I have to admit that I suffer from BDD. Its something I fight with everyday. Fight with to the point that I rarely look at myself in mirrors. I've gotten better but have a long way to go before I think I look "good"...
ReplyDeleteI just started reading some of your posts (because you commented on mine... thank you!), and I really enjoyed reading this one. It's brings thoughts I've had to the forefront of my mind. I can't say I suffer from bdd, because I've always been far too lazy to actually *do* anything to change the body I hated (and still actively dislike). I frankly wonder sometimes if anyone is really content with their own looks, and how discontent you need to be to be clinically relevant.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I want to thank you and all your readers for sharing, and I've got to say I wish I could visit every one of them with a compliment and a hug.
It certainly helps to share, so thank you! I think I do suffer from this to a degree because I am always comparing my physique to others...saw a woman at the pool today with great abs; when I went to the bathroom I looked at mine...then went home and bought a Ripped Abs DVD!!!
ReplyDelete