Hypothetically speaking, would it be okay for me to tell, say, an aunt, that I think she should consider going on a diet in light of the fact that heart disease runs strongly in our family?
After all, it would be okay for me to harass this same aunt about a smoking habit, right? People do that all the time.
Now let's switch the scene. What if I was talking to a friend, who was obviously unhappy due to recent weight gain. Would it be kosher for me to say, "I think you'd be much more confident if you lost those 15lb you've gained?"
Why? Why not? Tell me your thoughts. This is an open post. =) I'll be chiming in to let you know what I think in the comments!
PS: I really, really, REALLY love the community that is starting to grow in the comments section. I seriously look forward to all of your comments, every single day, and read them on my email as they come in even if I'm busy or working & can't reply right away. If I could afford to do a sweet giveaway in gratitude for your general awesomeness, I totally would Instead I will reward you with a picture of my aunt & uncle's adorable dog:
=)
Haha I love the reward :)
ReplyDeleteThis one is tough. I think it depends on the individual person, your relationship and how they would take it. Some of my friends I would feel comfortable in telling that they need to lose weight, because I know they would ask questions and be on board. Others would take it as a direct attack on their character, and it would probably ruin our relationship. I usually have no problem telling someone that they need to gain weight, but losing weight is another matter. Even when Rob asks me what I think he should do with his body (lean out/keep gaining) it was extremely hard for me to answer, because I know he is sensitive about his body. Since I've started training him, though, I find it much easier to look at him objectively and tell him what I really think.
That is a really, really good point - when I was quite underweight, everyone and their mom felt perfectly comfortable (or, appeared to feel perfectly comfortable) telling me to gain weight. Yet when my weight skyrocketed and literally *doubled,* no one said a word.
DeleteI would never ever tell. Ever.
DeleteBut it’s just me (coming from the ED world), because once I was – look where it got me: 15 years of a complete hell.
So no way… well except maybe if for the health and safety of a person and still I’d ask a doctor to do that.
P.S love the dog!
I feel the same way Greta. It's just too high a risk for virtually *no* reward.
DeleteI think it depends on the person. I gained the weight of a small child between Jan 2011 and Nov 2011, partially because of surgery/recovery depression but mostly because I sat around and ate sugar - just creating a never-ending cycle of eat, feel like crap, eat to cope, feel crappier.
ReplyDeleteMy man never said a word to me, and if he did it would not have helped. But, he knows my history, my issues with food, body image, etc and he knows me well enough to know it wouldn't help. My parents on the other hand, especially my father, who isn't very fit, has no problem telling me "you need to lose a few pounds." That just sends me into a shame tailspin.
Meanwhile, this morning I was going to say to my mother (who weighs about 3 pounds more than me, but is several pant sizes larger than me), that we should see if both of us can lose 10% of our body weight in the next 4 months. We'll see how she reacts - it would be a healthy amount/rate of weight loss for both of us.
Sorry for such a long comment. I feel like I should just email you, because your attitude is so positive and your results speak for themselves.
I totally relate to all of this. Comments about my weight send me directly into a tailspin as well. I realize that has a lot more to do with me and my body image issues (namely, that my self worth is one and the same as my body image) than the person making the comments...but still.
DeleteI've frequently said things like that to my mom - "let's make a pact and lose 2lb this week!" or whatever, and I think that really softens the "blow" because it's like a group effort, not one person telling the other that they need to shed a few, ya know?
Feel free to email me whenever btw!!!!! =) Sable.Weisman@gmail.com
Hi! I have never commented on your blog but enjoy reading it! : ) I, as a former "fat girl" think in general "no." This is coming from my perspective as being overweight my entire life, and then losing 85 lbs in college and keeping it off for 10 years so far! I was 240 and now am 155 and very muscular (I <3 weights!), and although I live a very healthy lifestyle, and eat clean without even thinking of it, my weight is still a mental struggle for me, and it is still a source of emotion for me. I think the suggestion to be healthy is better than saying "lose the weight." I have been introducing my mom, who is slightly overweight, to healthier choices in her diet. I made her a protein shake that was yummy, and am encouraging her to trade some of her mostly carb diet for some healthy protein items. I have never mentioned her weight, but she is starting to make some of these changes on her own now. Because of my own personal sensitivity to my own weight, I wouldn't feel comfortable telling someone to lose weight.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, congrats on maintaining that impressive weight loss! WOW!
DeleteI think your method is a good one. So many people associate healthier options with less taste/less enjoyment but it doesn't have to be that way! I like sharing new recipes with my parents - it's a very gentle way to nudge them towards better health.
I think your title is a bit misleading! It's never, IMHO, alright to TELL someone to lose weight. You can tell someone to get their feet off your table, or tell a kid not to run out into traffic, but their body is their autonomy.
ReplyDeleteAnd I disagree that it's OK to tell people to stop smoking - my boyfriend smokes and I don't like it, but he smoked when we met and I entered a relationship knowing that. It's not a partner's job to change someone.
*Suggesting* to someone they do something about their health is different, though. Personally, if someone said to me "I think you'd be happier if you lost weight", I'd tell them to STFU (my therapist actually did try this with me) and I'd rail against them. It would also make me feel more awful about myself, as in, it would *worsen* my mental health. And mental health is as important as physical health.
I think it's NEVER OK to tell, or suggest to someone you're not close to, that they should lose weight. The only exception is if you're a doctor. Telling strangers they should/could lose weight? Never OK.
I suppose the only time I'd think it was acceptable is if I were suggesting to someone I was close to (partner, family) they get fitter, and if I made a commitment to do that with them. I'm fat, I freely admit it, but I'm pretty fit and I wish my (skinny) boyfriend was fit too. So I have suggested to him that he exercises, that we do it together, and that we're a bit more conscientious about what we eat. I think that's an OK thing to do as I love him & all that stuff, plus I'm volunteering to do it with him. But, he has every right not to listen to me, too (and as it is, he doesn't want to do anything about it - and I accept that).
I totally 100% agree - my body is my property and I'll do whatever I want with it, and respect everyone else's right to do the same.
DeleteI'm inclined to react the same way as you whenever someone makes a comment about my weight being related to my happiness. It's not. I wish it was that simple: lose weight, gain happiness!! But that's not how it works and to say that to someone, ESPECIALLY when that person suffers from a mental illness, is insulting on several levels.
I think that even doctors should tread with care in terms of suggesting weight loss. The event that immediately preceded my descent into anorexia was a doctor's appointment. My doc told me I needed to lose weight, showed me my BMI on a little chart thinger, and told me he'd re-weigh me in 2 weeks. I'd lost 10 lbs by the time I went back and it was all downhill from there. Do I blame him for "starting" my ED? Absolutely not. The seed was already planted, fertilized, and ready to sprout. But I do think maybe he should've said, "We'll check your weight again next YEAR." Or in 6 months. Or something.
Anyway. I'm also trying to get several family members more fit, and I'm approaching it in a "let's do it together!!" way. I need to work on my general fitness too, ya know? And it brings us all closer.
Interesting. Very tough one. People always harp on others to quit smoking. But I think the weight issue is a fine line. I mean, for their health just like with smoking, it "seems" like the right thing to do. But at the same time....it doesn't. Maybe it depends on the situation? The person? The relationship? Wow, I'm totally indecisive on this one!
ReplyDeleteAnd I am so with you on looking forward to comments I get each day.
I for one have never understood why it's okay to tell someone to quit smoking. Every smoker knows the risks associated with tobacco - it' simpossible NOT to. Yet the general population really kind of harrasses smokers. I dunno. Splenda could be considered a carcinogen and I consume it; I wouldn't really want complete strangers harrassing me about that, ya know?
DeleteI love the comments in this blog too!
ReplyDeleteGenerally, no, I wouldn't tell someone that they need to lose weight. I think most people are well aware of it when they need to lose weight and it does no good to point it out to them.
However I'm always supportive of friends and family whenever they decide to lose weight. I offer up advice if I'm asked but I won't give out advice without being asked.
Exactly. No one who is overweight ever needs to be reminded. Society does a good enough job of that all by itself!!!
DeleteI was thinking about this today, but what I was thinking is that when I was overweight I was never once told by a doctor that I needed to lose some weight. I know it might not be the easier subject to broach, but I really think they should be telling people. When I lost some weight I was told "well done, keep it up" but they never even said to me then that I had been overweight. But I would find it harder with a personal relationship.But a doctor should not worry about hurting my feeling, they should be worrying about my health!
ReplyDeleteI've heard that some doctors are afraid to broach the subject, which I do understand but I'd think they would be professional enough to put their discomfort aside and do what's best for the patient. The fact that some doctors are not able to do this is, frankly, disturbing.
DeleteThat's such a tricky issue. I've read a lot of articles putting down doctors for "fat shaming" and heard statistics indicating that a lot of overweight people avoid going to the doctor so that they don't have to hear about their weight.
DeletePerhaps it should only be brought up if it's causing health issues like high blood pressure, high cholesterol, pre-diabetes, etc.? I'm really not sure what the answer is.
Another voice to add to the comment love.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I don't know...weight is a far more emotive issue than smoking in my opinion. I'd be devestated if someone told me to lose weight (well, several people have so it's not a hypothetical situation) and usually when I am devestated I bury my face in a jar of nut butter. I think it's hard to know the reason someone has become overweight: if it's due to binge eating/low self esteem then telling them to lose weight might actually make things worse.
I don't think I've met a single overweight or obese person who likes being the way they are, or who doesn't try their best to lose weight. The ways we sabotage ourselves are nuanced and complex: personally, those who've told me to drop some pounds have done so because they've seen my confidence take such a nosedive recently. However, it's not that I don't try my best - I'd lose weight if I could get a handle on my emotional eating. Personally I'd never tell someone to lose weight, but I'd encourage and congratulate them if they did and it seemed to make them happier.
xxx
Ahh Jessica - you have completely summed up my attitude on this subject. I have been told that I should lose weight in the past, and my reactions have taken two shapes: either I dive headfirst into a binge, or I use the criticism to fuel my self-loathing fire and starve myself. It never ends well. And that's why I'll never tell anyone else they should lose weight.
DeleteI totally agree with your second point as well - no one is unhealthy by preference. It's natural to want to feel your best. No one needs to be reminded that their body is unhealthy: they can FEEL it, always.
I def think it depends on the situation and the type of relationship you have with the person! I have an Aunt who I love dearly (she's like a Mother to me) who makes terrible choices regarding her diet and sedentary lifestyle! She is overweight, smokes, and probably has a drinking problem...but I can't judge her for that! It can be tricky, but I think if you come from a sincere, caring place in your heart you can find a way to express your concern for the person without being offensive or hurting their feelings. A lot of times people who are unhealthy and inactive, just simply don't know how to get started! I have found that having a healthy lifestyle will start to rub off on people through example because they see how great you look, how much progress you're making, and how happy and vibrant you are and they want to know how to get that way too! Just being a good resource and an inspiration is enough a lot of times, and by offering up your own workout/eating habits you may spark an interest in her!
ReplyDeleteYour aunt sounds very much like one of my own loved ones, for whom I'm very very concerned.
DeleteI love your advice here (if you were intending it to be advice - I think it's great) - living a healthy lifestyle is often the best way to spark the change in others. It gives them a reference point and a sense of familiarity and "that's not so hard!"
I could write a novel on this subject. My short answer is "No - but it should be okay to express to the people you love and are close to." Not in a "you must" kind of way but in a loving, "I know you're struggling with this, and here's why I want to see you beat this" kind of way.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's a touchy emotional subject. But so is watching someone you love struggle over and over and over again. So is watching your family members health decline due to their obesity. I wish someone I loved and trusted would have found the courage to speak to me (gently) before I got to this point. It's awful to feel like you're going through your battle alone and it's also awful to wonder why no one cared enough to speak up. I'm not saying we need to berate each other or act like this is new information because, yes, it's a personal battle and not helpful to say "I think you should ..." I just think there's a balance and maybe if we could all move toward that instead of shying away from this difficult subject it would help us overcome it.
I love your answer! I really like the idea of framing a statement like this as "I know this is difficult, and here's why I know you can beat it / why I want you to." That's great - it provides another motivational factor and it highlights the fact that you care about your loved one's *health.*
DeleteMy friend at college has gained 2 stone or 28lbs since September through stress-eating. Well that's what he attributes it to, as well as being in a new relationship which means he's been going out for dinner a lot! The other day he was very upset because a shirt he wore a year ago wouldn't button up on him. It really brought him down for the whole day and he talked about how unhappy he was at this new size. What was my response? Well, after comforting him I said to him that now that college was coming to an end he could turn his focus to eating healthily and getting back to his normal size. I figured that since he was feeling so down about his weight a bit of encouragement was needed and agreed that he needs to lose weight. He looks uncomfortable in himself, he has changed from being really stylish to wearing tracksuits all day long and is constantly talking negatively about his weight. Was that really insensitive of me? I hope not but I didn't want to lie either and tell him he looks fine as he is.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it was. When I talk about being uncomfortable in my skin - I was doing it quite a bit over the winter - I am usually subconsciously looking for someone to tell me what I know to be true: it's time to do something about it. And it will be okay and it's not that hard.
DeleteI'd rather people be honest with me as long as it's relatively gentle - and it sounds like you struck that balance!
Definitely not. Doing so basically amounts to stating the obvious. Someone who's gained weight is 100% aware of it, moreso than an outside observer. They look at themselves in the mirror everyday, button up their shirts and put on pants everyday, etc. It makes no sense to say, "You'd probably feel better minus 10lbs" because that person probably thinks that every single day. Saying outloud is just embarrassing for all parties involved.
ReplyDeleteIf someone asks for help and assistance after making the decision to lose weight, that's another matter.
This is SO true & I tell Max this all the time. No one in the world is unaware of gaining more than a few pounds. Your pants remind you, your mirror reminds you, walking up a flight of stairs reminds you, pictures remind you.
DeleteIsn't if funny that people are comfortable telling an anorexic that they're too skinny, but won't tell an overweight person that they're too fat? Both are health hazards. Maybe it's because there are so many overweight people that we're desensitized to it? Or maybe that you can be overweight and relatively healthy? (I was one of those.)
ReplyDeleteI used to tell my husband that if I gained too much weight, he should tell me directly. Well, he never did even after I gained 60 lbs. And thinking back, I would never have been receptive to it. I would have taken anything he said as personal criticism. Even if he was only concerned with my health, I wouldn't have seen it that way. I'm glad that I eventually started taking care of myself, but it took a huge life changing event for that to happen. (Birth of my daughter.) Wish it could have been a smaller catalyst... Weight is such a touchy emotional subject. There doesn't seem like there is a proper way to bring it up.
I wonder that ALL the time Jenn. Everyone told me I should gain weight once I dropped below around 100lb. EVERYone. People in the grocery store, my friends, my mom's friends, extended family. I wonder if it's because even SOCIETY knows that statement is basically a compliment?
DeleteIt is such an emotional subject though. Comments about my weight always send me into some kind of a tailspin.
I'm super lame and haven't read the other comments yet, BUT my answer is - it's okay to tell someone you'd like them to be HEALTHIER. IMO, that's a commentary on, y'know, their health and well being. Telling someone to lose weight is more along the lines of commenting on their appearance, and that's not super cool by me.
ReplyDeleteThe exception to this being my spouse or someone who has to see me naked and should hopefully enjoy it. If I gained weight and it changed how he saw me, that's something that I can and should correct, and I'd want him to tell me. Which I say now, after having seen pictures of myself 5 years ago and 40+ lbs more of me is NOT ATTRACTIVE. I wish he had said something then. But he didn't. He's apparently a better person than me.
Yes - health and weight are two COMPLETELY different things. Plenty of overweight & obese people are healthy and plenty of skinny people are very unhealthy, and there's a whole world of shades of gray in between. So I think wanting someone to be HEALTHIER is much different than wanting someone to be thinner.
DeleteHit "publish" too soon!!! =) I also agree with you re. the spouse having input thing. If you're committing to someone for a lifetime, I think they're allowed to have an opinion about how you look - and vice versa!
DeleteSo I don't think you should ever tell someone they should lose weight. And not because it's taboo to tell someone that. It's because what you really want is not for them to be smaller, you want them to be happier and healthier. Which does not necessarily come from being smaller.
ReplyDeleteI have so many friends who it would be easy to say that if they lost 50 pounds they would be happy. The reality is they wouldn't. Because eating less food for them is not enjoyable. Eating is fun and a lot of people like it. For many people sacrificing food for the elusive size six is just not worth it. And I don't really think it's necessary.
What I do think is fine to say, if you are inclined to give unsolicited advice, is they should eat healthier, not less. Exercise more and get strong. I follow a lot of runners and there are so many strong marathon runners, healthy, happy and cruising but are packing a size 18 to 20 booty. Yeah it's a bit harder on their joints, and they have to work for it. But so do all of us, and they get to eat!
So look at your motivation for comment. Are you really saying smaller is better (cause I doubt you are) or are you saying eat better and take care of your body even if it packs on too many pounds!
AMEN. Smaller =/= happier OR healthier, it just means you fit more easily into societal norms. And that is basically meaningless at the end of the day.
DeleteThis is a tough one. Personally I wouldn't unless I was a medical professional. I also don't try to convince my family members to do other health related things that I think would benefit them. Not directly anyway. I hope that by living a healthy lifestyle and loving them, they'll try to change on their own and come to me for advice if they want it. On the other hand, my sister challenged me to quit diet coke last year, and it was the best thing I've done in a long time. So maybe I should rethink my stand on this.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree. I like "challenges" like that though - I'll make a pact with a family member to eat a 100% healthy diet for 2 weeks or get an extra 30 minutes of exercise every day for a month, and I think that's a really fun & easy way to encourage change.
DeleteIt's a tough subject, of course. I don't think it does much good to say "you need to lose weight" because that person is already more aware than anyone else of how they look. If someone said that to me it would only make me feel worse.
ReplyDeleteBUT I think you can definitely start up a conversation and do your best to get the person to say out loud that her weight is an issue. For example, "You don't seem like you've been your usual self lately" or "Do you ever worry about heart disease since it runs in your family?" or whatever you think is appropriate. Once she's admitted that she's unhappy with her weight, you could discuss ideas for losing the weight and even offer to exercise with her, cook together, share recipes, etc.
It would definitely be a tough conversation, though. I hope I never need to have it with anyone!
I *definitely* think open questions like that are great for getting people to reflect on what may or may not really be going on. I've used the "You don't sound like yourself" line, in particular, on my mom! haha.
DeletePeople KNOW that they have gained weight. I don't mean 10, 15, 30 pounds of vanity weight - I mean a significant amount that could be seriously life threatening. So I don't think it's worth pointing out unless you are personally willing to help along the way. For example, I would not tell a parent that they should lose weight to be healthy. I would, however, offer to help them prepare healthy meals, walk with them a few times a week, etc.
ReplyDeleteI wholeheartedly agree with you. I notice when I gain 5lb to say nothing of someone who has packed on 20 or 30. You can't NOT notice that - it's not possible. Someone who has gained weight knows they've gained weight, period. They don't need a "friendly reminder."
DeleteI don't think it's ever really okay to tell someone to lose weight, short of them being near-death from morbid obesity in conjunction with heart problems, or something equally immediate. People KNOW when they've gained weight, KNOW they're overweight/obese, KNOW the risks of that, and hearing it from someone else's mouth doesn't change all that much, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree. If you're overweight, you know it. You may be okay with it or you may hate it, but you are aware regardless.
DeleteAnd YES - someone else telling you that you "should" do something is never going to create permanent change.
The only time I think its ok to talk to someone about their weight or the fact that they have gained weight is when they first bring it up. If someone close to you brings it up because they want to vent about it, then I think that gives you an open door to suggest ways that they could lose it. Of course, I think you also have to be sensitive about it and say things like "well you know what you need to do to get back on track" or "you know what might help your stress is exercising" I think it's important to show that you are encouraging them to lose the weight rather then just "Hey chubs, you gained weight". Like Vanessa just said... people know when they've put on weight. You don't need to point it out.
ReplyDeleteI agree. My mom asks me for advice, workout tips, etc., and so I do give her input, BUT if she didn't ask, I wouldn't just offer it. I know she's self-conscious about her weight and I'd NEVER want to exacerbate that.
DeleteI think the other commenters have said it all. In my experience, the last thing I wanted was someone to bring up my weight first. I wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. At the same time, since I had never struggled before, when I first put on weight I wish there was an appropriate way of interjecting.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm wondering is what will be my catalyst to stop wanting to be thinner/more fit/etc? Usually when I start to feel comfortable or proud of my body, something interjects. An unflattering photo, a comment from someone close. Will there ever be a time where I'm not constantly wondering if I could look better? Because, wow, what a terrible way to live!
That is a really good question, Mel. When I was 83 lb I wasn't skinny enough; when I had abs way back 2 years ago I wasn't lean/big enough; now I feel like I'm muscular enough but I'm not lean enough...I'm certain I will ALWAYS find something lacking. And that's really not how I want to live my life, but I don't know how to change it, either.
DeleteNo I don;t think I would tell someone they should loose weight, from experience you need to be in the right place in body (ability and capacity) and mind to ensure a degree of success; and even then "success" is a vague term. Besides whenever anyone ever TELLS me to do something I spin in the opposite direction always have think I always will so please someone tell me to be a lazy ar$e and not exercise ;-)
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nail on the head - telling someone they SHOULD do something will never be enough of a catalyst to create a HUGE lifestyle change. Never. So it's useless, or worse than useless if it makes the individual in question feel self-conscious.
DeleteI have only read a few of the comments so forgive me if I repeat others... First of all I love this idea for a post!! Healthy discussion is always nice :) As for the question at hand, I really think it depends on the person, your relationship with them, health issues, and the way in which you bring it up. For instance, my Mother is very overweight, but she knows it, and it would do No good for me to simply say "You need to lose weight". But what I do do is encourage her when she tells me about small healthy changes she has made to her lifestyle, such as the personal trainer she recently hired (yay!); I guess I just try to use a lot of positive reinforcement? I don't think as a friend or relative that I would ever come straight out and say that someone needed to lose weight... But I would encourage healthier behaviors as I do with my mother. I also think that setting a good example with yourself can be pretty valuable sometimes!
ReplyDeleteI love that there are so many intelligent commenters here - I LOVE that I can publish a post like this!! =)
DeleteI'm pretty much the same way with my mom, who is obese. I encourage the healthy changes she makes and I tell her about my struggles and successes so that she sees what's normal - that it's okay to struggle and have to force yourself to work out.
Oooh controversial!! :-)
ReplyDeleteThis is a tough one. Personally, it would depend on how close my relationship with the person is. And I'd probably do it in a more round about sort of way such as "working out makes me feel so good, wanna work out with me?".
I could never come and say 'you need to lose weight' because I hate hurting people's feelings.
Oh definitely! I love turning the healthy parts of my lifestyle into group activities. Talking about working out gives my mom and I something to connect over and share, which is great for our relationship!
DeleteTelling someone to lose weight doesn't really do much in my experience...I have been told many times to, and it never really helped just made me feel like shit. I really think that most people just need their "come to jesus" moment (I read that in another WL/health blog and it cracked me up!!) which will give them a kick in the ass to get going on it. I've noticed people around me starting their fitness/WL journey's because they see how I'm doing and I can encourage them in a subtle way to do it. For me, I had a break up and I was mad and sick of being fat so I joined the gym and here I am.
ReplyDeleteExactly. It really is a "come to Jesus" moment - no one can encourage you enough to make a sweeping lifestyle change like that, and truthfully, nothing can scare you into it either - until you're ready.
DeleteYour experience is similar to mine: I was starting school again and sick of being fat and ready to change EVERYTHING. haha
Definately, definately, definately. As hard as it is to watch someone be unhealthy, you can't 'make' them change their lifestyle.
DeleteI reckon other big life changes help eh, everything else is changing so what's one to add to the list :)
I really think so!! That's always how I've viewed it. If everything is going to feel different and be different anyway, why not just go for the whole kit and kaboodle?
DeleteHi Sable! This is something I've thought a lot about over the years, and I think there is a difference between asking someone to lose weight and helping inspire them to be more healthy. It's hard to argue with becoming healthy, especially if it's something you're doing with them like exercising or eating better. But weight is so personal and complicated, I think focusing on that alone can sometimes even be detrimental to health.
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
Amber
Hey Amber! =) (That's my sister's name!!!!) I think this is a really good point. There is a world of difference between health and happiness and thinness. I think it's really easy and noncontroversial to suggest healthy changes ("Why don't you come to the gym with me? It'll cheer you up!") and really, well, rude, to suggest that someone lose weight. Our bodies are our selves, and to hear them criticized is not easy or pleasant.
DeleteThis is something I struggle SO SO SO much with. My dad is so overweight (probably borderline morbidly obese) and it breaks my heart to see him suffering and lowering his wuality of life. He has only been up to my apartment once becuase three flights of stairs is too much. I've tried to suggest, I've tried to cook better for them, but to him it's just "easy" for me. It kills me knowing that this wasn't easy and still isn't easy for me, and he's putting his life at risk.... but saying something just brings up arguement after arguement.
ReplyDeleteI relate to this SO much. My mom is obese and has been for my whole life. It's really difficult for me... honestly every time I get a phone call from home (vs a text), I freak out, thinking something has happened to her. Her brother died of heart failure at age 49 and I'm so scared of something like that happening to her. BUT at the same time I don't want to hurt her feelings - she knows she's overweight; she doesn't need me to remind her. It's a tough balance to strike.
DeleteMy parents are huge motivators for me to live a long term healthier lifestyle, my father had a heart attack and then a stroke. The stroke was the scariest experience in my life. Its forever changed our relationship. He was very very very blessed to walk away from it relatively unscathed physically but his verbal and communication skills have been impaired. My mother did the crash diets, then binge eat her whole entire life...so she basically now has a tiny lil frame engulfed with layers of fat. She has mobility issues due to it. I ask them both to please consider their health if not for themselves but for those that love them. I also remind them thats its not the amount of years they have left but the quality of those years. Bedridden? Or active? Hmmm..thats not a hard decision. All that said..I have learned the BEST thing to do is to set the example. Live what you preach so you don't have to say a word.
ReplyDeleteYou are completely right about that - I try to walk the walk as much as possible to set a good example for my parents. Heart disease runs strongly in my family: one of my uncles died at age 49 of congestive heart failure and I worry about my mom having a similar fate literally every single day.
DeleteHi Sable. Great question. In the elevator at work yesterday, I blurted out that I thought a colleague should "be careful", as she had purposely lost an incredible amount of weight since the last time I saw her and actually looked "too thin", almost ill. I was really concerned. I know for a fact that I would not have said anything at all if she had gained a lot of weight. What's the difference? I'm not sure! In general, I don't think it's appropriate to EVER comment on how anyone else looks and that includes commenting about their weight, their hair, their clothes, etc. (I don't even like "flattery" comments. Well, "I like your dress" is better than "that's a beautiful dress", but OMG, who cares? Is there nothing else to talk about?!!) I guess, sometimes, we're just very concerned and speak out against our better judgement. I know that I will apologize to this colleague on Monday. In general, I think the best advice is "don't give advice unless someone directly asks you for your opinion". Then, be kind, gentle and supportive or keep quiet.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it strange how we all seem to feel that it's okay to comment on when someone is too small, but we (well - most of us) keep silent when someone is too big?! SO strange.
DeleteAnd you are right - there has got to be something more meaningful to talk about than someone's appearance/outfit in 99% of circumstances. I've been guilty of that though - if someone looks upset I'll give them a compliment on something about how they look, and oddly enough, it almost always cheers everyone up. Hm.
Absolutely, yes, I've given compliments in that context too. And sometimes we ask for compliments, such as when I post pictures of myself on Twitter, my blog, etc., to show my fitness, which is fine I hope. I was really referring to my great dislike of the "fashion police" who seem to almost stalk me - or at least they used to. They seem to think that I need their coaching which maybe I do from their perspective, but I don't want it. I personally don't like what they wear all the time, but don't say anything as it's not my body, money, taste, or life. It's theirs. Constantly commenting on someone's appearance can become a form of bullying, which is harmful. Who do they think they are?
DeleteIt *definitely* can! I think negative body/appearance comments are the worst form of bullying that exists. I kind of think of someone's appearance as being sacred - it's not something that can be changed overnight, so they have to live with the comment for a long time.
DeleteI was most happy with the fact that there was a cake in your "Gratitude" picture :) However, I think it's completely ok to tell someone to lose weight if it's done with the intent of keeping the other person healthy. I have a friend who is obese (close to 300 lbs). She is terribly unhappy. Complains about every aspect of her life. But essentially I know her unhappiness stems from her obesity. When she gets into modes where all she does is bitch about everything, I do kindly suggest that she might be happier if she started walking more frequently, and cutting out the high fat, creamy foods in her diet. Of course she won't, but it does make her think twice before complaining to me. It is a fact that the most effective way to deal with depression is physical activity.
ReplyDeleteCake AND a cute dog!!! It's like the perfect picture right?! ;-) haha
DeleteIt can be so difficult to listen to someone complain ooooover and ooover and ooover again about things that are within their power! I have friends and family members that I really just want to grab & shake sometimes =(
No. Never. People who are overweight, whether they have just gained an extra few lbs recently or are significantly overweight/obese ALREADY KNOW IT. They are already sensitive to it. Telling them doesn't accomplish anything positive. And, most people are intelligent enough to know what it takes to do something about it, it is a matter of actually following through on it. The best one can do is encourage activity and healty eating indirectly. ie "I'm walking before work every day and getting bored doing it alone, want to join me?"
ReplyDeleteI totally 100% agree with ALL of what you said here. All the time I was overweight and obese I knew what to do about it - not perfectly, granted; calorie counting was a totally foreign concept to me and very difficult at first - it was just a matter of deciding to do it and DOING it.
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