Why I Rebounded -- What's Different This Time?

Can I just thank you guys, from the bottom of my heart, for your concern? It means so much to me that you are looking out for me and that you guys have my back in terms of watching me for a return to screwed-up eating patterns. (I did reply to everyone's comments yesterday and will continue to do so whenever I am free, so please check for a response -- clicking the link will open a new window.)

That said, I should probably explain that for me, personally, the post-contest rebound did not come as a direct response to restriction. I actually maintained the weight I wanted for three months after the show and was indulging my cravings regularly. 

I have no idea when exactly this is from but trust me... plenty of Raisin Bran (my favorite cereal ever, please don't judge me, it reminds me of my childhood okay?) was consumed on a weekly basis

Unfortunately, I never addressed my poor coping mechanisms, and I experienced a string of personal crises and losses starting in December and ending in February. It was pretty much nonstop, blow after blow after blow, and I dealt with these brutal hits not by talking to a therapist, punching a bag, or journaling, but by eating. Well -- bingeing.

Then I finally started seeking help and stopped bingeing, thinking some of the weight would come off naturally. It didn't, probably in part because I do have thyroid disease. (I am being treated and have been continuously treated since last year, but synthetic thyroid hormones will never do as good a job as the real thing.)

Like any patient being treated for disordered eating (and binge eating does in fact constitute disordered eating), I have a meal plan.

While this may be a controversial opinion, I don't think safe (read: medically approved and supervised), non-crash dieting is *necessarily* a bad thing, as long as the motivation does not lie in the pursuit of control or in a mistaken belief that being thinner will make one happier.

What makes "this time" different is that I am finally addressing the root cause of all of my too-controlled or too-out-of-control behavior around food: my inability to deal with overwhelming emotions in a healthy way. It is going to be a long road; these behaviors have been my go-to coping mechanisms for as long as I can remember. But I am committed to this process.

Additionally, I have a strong support network including professionals with whom I will be checking in weekly. There is a safety net in place, even though I trust myself at this point to know better than to diet down to an unhealthily low BMI. You can never be too careful.

I've been on a self-improvement and empowerment kick for a while now and have completely replaced, removed and/or revamped some of my less-than-stellar habits and attributes. Emotional eating (& emotionally-charged restriction) is on notice -- it's next.

I have never presented myself as perfect on this blog. I am more of a living exhibit: "Girl Faces Her Demons" or "Girl Becomes Woman" or "Girl Owns Her Issues" would be fitting titles for this stage.

Starvation to Bingeing and Back Again - How and Why?

First, briefly, to clear the air from my last post:

I have gained quite a bit of weight (FAT, that is) since my last progress picture in the fall. The picture in the last post is an END GOAL picture *from* last fall, NOT a current picture. After gaining weight, I waffled around for a while, kinda-dieting (read: not really weighing stuff, not really following a plan, just "eating healthy" and losing a grand total of like 4lb in 2 months), kinda-solidifying the muscle gains I made. And now I'm motivated to lose again. That is why I am dieting down again. I do have an unhealthy relationship with food, but I don't think that should preclude me from dieting for vanity's sake. I appreciate everyone's concern and am more than happy to field any questions.

On to today's post!

It is very common for an anoretic to "recover" only to slip into binge eating disorder or bulimia nervosa.

It is also very common (based on anecdata and statistics available in communities like SiouxCountry) for physique competitors to "bounce" from a very strict pre-contest diet to out-of-control binges for weeks, months, or years. (I should mention that NOT every competitor experiences this, but in my unscientific opinion, it seems like people who have poor relationships with food prior to competing continue to have trouble after competing.)

Not surprisingly, given my horrible relationship with food, I have fallen into both of these traps.

How and why does this happen?

How can someone obsessed with control flip the switch from total, unrelenting, absolute control to... none? 

There are several theories. 

First and foremost is the idea that it all boils down to the utilization of food as a coping mechanism. (I, for one, have tremendous difficulties with this.) People who have never developed healthy coping mechanisms use food as a tool: "I can exert control over food even if I can control nothing else, or cannot control everything" can easily turn into "I need comfort and don't know how to ask for it; eating will calm my nerves / distract me / provide me with an escape." 

Source

This is, of course, an oversimplification and typically the "conversation" illustrated here occurs subconsciously. 

Another problem is that weight loss achieved via extreme measures is usually unsustainable in the long term. DUH, right? It's an easy trap to fall into: "If I just eat virtually nothing for 6 weeks, 10 weeks, 16 weeks, and then work really hard, I'll be thin forever!" Unfortunately, that's just not how our bodies work. We all have a metabolic set point. Some of us are blessed with low set point weights; some of us are cursed with high set point weights. Our bodies are not easily fooled. In response to extreme weight loss, our bodies break out all the big guns: our gut bacteria "help" us extract more calories from the food we eat, we become more efficient (meaning that our basal metabolic rate decreases, usually around 15% in response to extreme weight loss), and our bodies slow down the conversion of T4 (inactive thyroid hormone) to T3 (active thyroid hormone) by pumping out a nasty little bugger known as RT3 (you guessed it: Reverse T3). These are just a couple of examples; for more, see: Alan Aragon and other gurus of your choice. (I'm not getting into the Layne Norton v. Lyle McDonald drama. It's kind of embarrassing for the entire bodybuilding world.)

So, the weight loss you just achieved is unsustainable. You eat normally for a day or two or a week-long vacation. The scale jumps up. Maybe you slowly start to gain back a little bit of weight -- not much, just 5lb or so. No one else even notices this gain. But you do. And you start to feel out of control.

What to do? Try to exert more control? For what? Your body is betraying you: you are anxious, confused, frustrated. Emotional. And you never did learn how to deal with those emotions on your own, at least not fully. So you will either comfort or control them with food -- spiraling deeper into a restrictive disorder, or descending unwillingly into a disorder focused on over-consumption.

Here's the other problem: denial and deprivation. For months or years, you have denied your cravings and deprived yourself of all sorts of things: grilled cheese, cupcakes, ice cream, fries, chips, cheeseburgers. So when those cravings and desires start to creep back in, as they always will, and you no longer have a looming competition date or  a desperate need to exert control over food or a coach holding you accountable, how on earth are you going to say "no?" You may think, "I'll have my tremendous willpower!" But you won't. Not always. You never learned moderation. So you can't expect yourself to practice it. And you certainly can't bet on subsisting solely on chicken, tilapia, tuna, lean beef, vegetables, and "clean carbs" (whatever the crap that actually even means) for the rest of your life.

I don't care who you are or how disciplined you are. When you've gone 16 weeks, 6 months, 12 months, 2 years, without a cupcake/burger/chips/ice cream cone, when you do eventually have one again, you are going to have a HELL of a time stopping at just one, or just one day, or just one week, or just one month, or just every other day for a year.

There are many more factors at play but I can hear the snores already.

Here's what it boils down to:

- I personally think some people (myself included) are not good candidates for Bikini / Figure / Fitness / Physique / Bodybuilding competitions. People like me tend to be prone to using food and dieting as a tool or coping mechanism. (I am currently working to overcome my own emotional eating, emotionally-charged restriction, and generally inappropriate coping mechanisms, but because of my history I will not compete again.)

- Battling your body's set point, if you choose to do so, is a lifelong battle. Crash dieting, contest dieting, developing an ED -- none of these extreme measures will help you overcome that set point. (This is why I am taking a more balanced, slow & steady approach this time - while counting calories & measuring, since that's what works for me.)

- If you never learn moderation, your discipline will ultimately always be worthless in the end. (This is a big fat NOTE TO SELF. One of my major goals for 2013 is to learn moderation.)

- We all have inappropriate coping mechanisms, whether we utilize food or throw ourselves into work or use alcohol or cigarettes, etc. These mechanisms will always fail us at some point, so we MUST all learn healthier methods of coping with the lemons life hands us.

Summer Slimdown: Week One

Over the weekend I mentioned I am finally back on the good old dieting bandwagon! And I'm back to what works: accountability, moderate protein, high fat, low carb, and goal dates. 

Cropped & resized because I don't think two people should ever follow the exact same diet :) ALL of our needs are different!

I have a wedding to go to in early June and want to look awesome and wear whatever I want; I would like to be back at around 108-110lb (so a BMI of 21-21.5 depending on how tall you believe I am ;-) with visible abs and a generally ripped appearance by the Fourth of July weekend. 

** Sorry for the confusion! The following is NOT a current picture **

This is more or less the goal by July 4 - pic from September or October

I started actually dieting again ;-) on my birthday, last Friday, May 10th, and have lost 2.5lb so far. I know most of that is water and I'll be lucky to lose that in a week after I finish losing water and glycogen weight, but still - it's great to be moving in the right direction! :)

On a serious note, I realize this sounds like, well, stupidity. Many of you would say, "If your body wants to be this size, stop fighting it and start loving it!"

Here's the thing: my body got to be this size, and stopped being the size I want it to be, because I became lazy, complacent, and, quite frankly, became depressed thanks to my unwillingness and/or inability to manage circumstances that began affecting my life late last year and continued affecting it until early this year. I binged...frequently. And I gained weight. And then I kind of half-assed dieting for a bit. And now I am officially done; want these extra pounds OFF!

All that to say: Worry not; I am not going to diet back down to sub-100lb like I did during prep. (Eek.) 

This update is brought to you alarmingly late at night because poor Eva had to go back to have her hematoma drained again. (And of course, then the Bruins played.... AND WON! IN A MAJOR WAY!!!! Ahem. My condolences to all the Leafs fans.)

Good look for her, right? I personally think it's adorable, and the purpose is just a great color on her. She is not amused. Also, anytime she thinks we dumb humans are asleep or distracted, she will poke her head around and slyly try to itch that ear as quietly as possible. It's pretty funny to watch - she is definitely a smart dog :) 

She was so much happier before we so cruelly took her to the vet:

But it'll all be worth it in the end when her ear heals all the way back up! 

More People Would Learn From Their Mistakes....

"More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them." - Harold J. Smith

I don't know about you, but I am HORRIBLY GUILTY of spending way too much time denying my mistakes, and not nearly enough time learning from them.

Source

Case in point:

We all know I've had diet/nutrition/weight problems for, um, my entire life. (Seriously. My medical chart indicates I first became "overweight" in elementary school. Not surprised.)

Last year my big "I should have known better" discovery was that not weighing foods -- even low-calorie, high-protein, zero-binge-potential foods -- was adding hundreds of calories a day to my clean, protein-and-plant-based diet.

I contest dieted, competed, kept dieting for a little while, and then, for reasons that will probably forever remain unknown, decided I could simultaneously ditch the diet and write my own AND stop weighing everything -- not just things like egg whites, but oils and peanut butter too.

Can anyone guess how this ended up working for me??

I'll give you a clue: it rhymes with "borribly." 

So here we go. Again. 

I know what to do. I know how to do it. I know I'm motivated enough to do it.

And I'm going to do it.

I have improved and evolved so much in the past six to twelve months. I have become a much better housewife; I've gained a thicker proverbial skin; I have (slowwwwly) become less reactive and more proactive; I've improved my communication skills -- in short, I have grown and become stronger and have truly begun to forge myself into the woman I have always wanted to be.

Unsure of source but you can repin it!

Time for the outside to match the inside.

For the sake of accountability, I will begin posting progress stats of one kind or another on Monday. These stats may start with measurements; I might decide to post progress pictures again. This is a measure to hold myself accountable, but I need to execute it in a way that reduces potential damage to the people struggling with eating disorders & disordered tendencies who read this blog.

What Are You Hungry For?

Hun - ger, noun: a compelling need or desire for food; the painful sensation or state of weakness caused by the need of food.

Try taking out the word "food."

You're left with "a compelling need or desire for _____; the painful sensation or state of weakness caused by the need of _____."

What would fill your blanks? For what do you have compelling needs and desires? What is lacking in your life that causes a state of weakness or painful sensation?

I'll share a few of mine:

1. Credentials. I have a compelling need and desire for a college degree; its absence in my life (especially at this point in my life, as a woman in my mid-twenties who has been living out of the proverbial nest for half a decade) definitely creates weaknesses, disadvantages, and unnecessary struggle, which could be framed as pain.

2. A strong self-concept. Vague? Yes. But I desperately need to fortify my self-concept, without reliance on external factors and validation. Having a relatively weak self-concept certainly makes me weak: it lowers my self-esteem and makes me more vulnerable than I otherwise would be in the face of adversity.

3. Success. The circumstances of my youth and young adulthood have fostered within me an iron will to succeed, to achieve worry-free financial stability. Nothing is more appealing to me than complete and utter financial independence, and nothing but success will take me there.

In many ways, my hunger for these things (and others!) is deeper and somehow more urgent than physical hunger. (Note: I'm sure if I wasn't blessed enough to live in a first-world country, and if I wasn't fortunate enough to count myself as one of the portion of the population that does not regularly miss meals due to financial insecurity, this would be different!!!!) 

Financial planners and goal setters talk about "wants" versus "needs." For me, it's a scale of "hungers," then "needs," and finally "wants." 

What are you hungry for? What are your hungers, needs, and wants? Do you rank them like I do, or differently?